The Alt TIME 100

By Joel Stein

You put enough old, overeducated journalists in a room and tell them to make a list of the world's 100 most influential people, and they'll pick people like paleogeneticist Svante Paabo and Russian opera singer Anna Netrebko. The only surprise is that the list doesn't include a good retirement planner.

Fine. But I thought the magazine could also use a hipper list, so I gathered a group of thinkers to put together the Alt TIME 100, a list of people who matter to the rest of us. Read the entire list at time.com/alt100 and decide for yourself which is better: ours or the one that doesn't include tattoo artist Mr. Cartoon.

After compiling a list of the nation's tastemakers to assist in this task, and culling for diversity and the ability to show up at a lunch on three days' notice, I gathered the following people at an Italian restaurant in Los Angeles:

Xzibit, host of MTV's Pimp My Ride Bridget Marquardt, one-third of Hugh Hefner's girlfriend and star of E!'s The Girls Next Door

Eddie Sanchez, Ultimate Fighting Championship fighter

Tommy the Clown, krump dancer

Dr. Boogie, hairstylist and contestant on Bravo's Shear Genius

Jimmy Jimmy Coco, spray tanner

Glenda Borden, party planner

I asked each panelist to arrive with a list of 30 people who mattered most over the past year. And to my shock, not only did each of them show up on time, but they all brought their assignments. I got the feeling I had already accomplished something none of their high school teachers ever had.

One mistake I made was telling the group that there were no limitations on their choices. I realized my error when Marquardt asked if her nominees had to be alive, since she had Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Walt Disney on her list. These are problems TIME 100 editors never have to deal with. I told everyone the nominees had to be living as well as residents of this planet and not imaginary friends. I think I witnessed a lot of scratching out.

Unlike the experts who pick the TIME 100, these people have a wide-ranging set of experiences, from taking their clothes off to beating people up. This was not a group that was going to pick Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. So I had a moment of panic when Xzibit, the first to read from his list, named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This was followed by relief when he said, "Because he always has a tight blazer on." The others weren't so excited about Ahmadinejad, but they all agreed with Xzibit that Al Gore is the most important person in the world. Gore, they said, is the only politician who matters since he is the only one to have won an Oscar. I realized Gore is crazy if he doesn't run for President. As is Meryl Streep.

The second most powerful person, the panel decided, is Anderson Cooper. Not only were my panelists trying to be nerds, but they weren't even good at it. That's when I ordered a couple of bottles of wine, and the names started flying. The Maloof brothers were instantly agreed upon, since their family owns the Palms hotel in Las Vegas. Body painter Mark Frazier was the artist of choice. Michael Jordan, though he retired four years ago, made the list because, as many of the panelists attested, when you're at a party with him, "Jordan buys the bar out!"

By the time the second bottle was kicked, American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar's hair had made the list. A stirring debate occurred over whether Hillary Clinton or Martha Stewart should be on, with the group eventually ruling out Hillary. "If there are two powerful women, you might as well pick Martha," explained Dr. Boogie. And Donald Trump, everyone agreed, should make it because, as Dr. Boogie put it, "he's doing seminars and teaching people how to make money. A lot of people keep those secrets to themselves." According to the Alt TIME 100, Donald Trump is a giver.

Clearly, the Alt TIME 100 is more relevant. Compared with 2% of the regular TIME 100, 22% of the Alt TIME 100 have starred on a reality show. To my amazement, Ahmadinejad appeared on our list but not on the TIME 100. And while the TIME 100 picked the author of The Secret for some sort of reason besides making fun of her, the Alt TIME 100 did not.

My guess is that in a few years, the Alt TIME 100 will replace the TIME 100 and three 17-year-olds with a video blog will be the new TIME. But this year we'll again flip through the official list and look at the pictures of people whose names and professions we can't pronounce.