Punchlines

"In Cleveland, doctors are planning for the first-ever face transplant. I hate to break it to the doctors, but I was at the Emmys. It's been done." --JAY LENO

"I understand that Kim Jong Il enjoys Western entertainment, so on the off chance that he may be watching this program, I would like to take a moment to address the Dear Leader: Listen, f___head, you got the Bush Administration to promise not to attack you. Don't blow that. Mexico can't even get that. Every day, Canadians check the map to make sure we didn't move the border on them overnight. We're badass, baby." --JON STEWART

"It's been announced that the first Starbucks has reopened in New Orleans. Residents were thankful and said, 'We may have lost our homes, but at least we can start paying $5 for a cup of coffee again.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN