Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson

By Stephanie Clifford

She may be 71, but Elaine Richert hardly acts like an old woman. She's a yoga teacher at a Casper, Wyo., fitness center who packs her free time with cross-country skiing, hiking, volunteering for the symphony, organizing local fairs and honky-tonk dancing. In 1999, with two divorces behind her, she was looking for a boyfriend who could keep pace with her hectic schedule. She finally found someone--and he's 20 years her junior.

We have long since grown accustomed to gray-haired men dating younger women, but the reverse was once taboo--think of the comedic value of Mrs. Robinson seducing Benjamin in The Graduate. Now things are changing. According to a survey in AARP magazine, 34% of single women ages 40 to 69 are dating younger men. "We're seeing it more frequently than we did before, and women in particular are less likely to accept society's norms than they were before," says preventive-medicine physician Roger Landry, an expert on aging.

Topping the list of reasons the younger man is pushing Grandpa aside: energy, refreshing optimism and sexual stamina. "I have dated older men, and they're ready to sit down and watch TV," says Bobbie Dubois, 58, a Dearborn, Mich., public-safety officer who's seeking younger men on Match.com "There's a lot I want to see, do and experience, and I think younger people are more receptive to that." Plus, says Richert, it's a relief that "you're not going to find Viagra or pills for backaches in their medicine cabinet."

Sexually, says technical writer Caroline Rose, 56, "I know men aren't supposed to slow down [as they age], but they do seem to, and I haven't." Without the worry of pregnancy, couples can be relaxed and spontaneous about sex. "He says, 'I've had more sex in the last year than in my married life,'" says Richert, with a chuckle, of her younger boyfriend.

But the pregnancy issue cuts both ways: for younger men who haven't had children, marrying a 70-year-old pretty much ends the discussion. Paul Falzone, CEO of dating services the Right One and Together, had to call off a five-year relationship with an older woman over this issue. "If you want children, [that's] going to be a deal breaker. I had to walk, and it wasn't because we didn't get along, but [children were] my no. 1 priority," he says.

Even if the women are young enough to have kids, many have already been there, done that. Diann Lein, 61, a retirement-home employee, met her husband Dale, now 46, when he had two toddlers; her kids were already in their 20s. "A part of me wondered if I was going to be able to handle that because my kids were grown and gone by the time I'd met him," she says. "You go, Oh, no, I don't want to do this again." She decided he was worth it, and says she has a delightful relationship with his children.

Family issues aside, these women--and their boyfriends--are having a grand time. The men benefit from the women's self-possession. An older woman, Landry notes, "would be right up front as to what she wants out of the relationship. The unrealistic expectations that a young girl may have about life and a wedding and the American Dream may not be there." Older women can also offer younger mates sage business and life advice. Meanwhile, the women revel in dating energetic, optimistic guys who keep the romance stirring and their sex lives buzzing. And why not? Says Rose: "Hey, fair is fair. Given how much we've been put aside for younger women, this is only right."