Be My Guest

By Andrea Sachs

Long before anyone had ever heard of Miss Manners, Titus Maccius Plautus discerned the truth about hospitality. "No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days," wrote ancient Rome's great playwright. With the holiday-travel season upon us, there are ample opportunities to annoy friends and family with burdensome visits. For that reason, TIME checked in with two experts, Letitia Baldrige and Peter Post--both out with new etiquette books--for advice on how to be a well-mannered houseguest.

The truth about most of us is that we carefully plan our holiday entertaining but give little forethought to our visits. That's a big mistake, say the experts. Plan ahead to be a good guest, especially during the holidays. "Christmas can mean total chaos; to have a guest stay in the middle of it is really tough," says Baldrige, author of New Manners for New Times (Scribner; 709 pages). To prevent misunderstandings, talk before your visit about exactly how long your stay will be and what type of activities you plan to do.

Whether your hosts are relatives or friends, a house gift is a requirement. Do you need to show up with it? "That's the ideal," says Post, author of Essential Manners for Men: What to Do, When to Do It and Why (HarperCollins; 200 pages). "When you arrive at the door and you're all saying your hellos, you say, 'I really want to let you know how much I appreciate being here,' and you hand them a gift. That's a really nice way to start off on the right foot." The magnitude of the gift depends on the length of your stay, the size of your entourage and your financial situation. Be a little creative, says Baldrige: "You just can't call up and get the fruitcake of the month or something like that. You have to show thought, because anyone who has you as their guest over the holidays, boy, they've really worked hard and gone to a lot of trouble."

Your behavior during your stay will be long remembered, so mind your manners. Says Post: "You're entering somebody else's home, a place with its own set of rules, its own culture. It's important for you to take part in that world and to accept its ways." Plan to take good care of the spaces you will occupy--the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen. Both experts advise that you offer your help with the activities around you. Can you shovel the snow? Help with the cooking? Buy some groceries? Walk the dog? At least make a sincere offer!

If you're visiting parents with your significant other, accept the sleeping arrangements that are provided, say the experts. "Don't fight your parents if they put you in separate rooms," says Baldrige.

If you are a parent visiting with kids in tow, lay down the law. "Long before you get there," says Post, "review with your kids the basics of being in someone else's home: saying hello, shaking hands, looking people in the eye, watching your manners, not running wild and eating what's in front of you." Says Baldrige: "Don't take your children with you unless you have well-behaved children. When you say, 'You have to go to bed now,' that child has to go to bed and get out of the way."

Finally, say our experts, houseguests should remember that an invitation to share a holiday meal is an invitation to socialize, not to stuff yourself. So put down your fork for a few minutes and talk with the person on your right and on your left. That's what's going to make you a memorable houseguest. P.S. When you get home, don't send your thanks by e-mail. Only an old-fashioned handwritten letter will do.