10 Questions For Judith Martin

By Richard Stengel

Better known as Miss Manners, Martin has helped transform etiquette from the realm of society matrons to a tool for everyday life. In her new book, Star-Spangled Manners, she argues that American manners are an engine of equality. She talked to TIME's Richard Stengel, whom she hardly corrected at all.

SO DO PEOPLE GET NERVOUS AROUND YOU AND START MINDING THEIR P'S AND Q'S? I certainly hope so! [Laughs.] But, no, I don't go around in my Miss Manners capacity where I would scare people to death.

WHAT'S CHARACTERISTIC OF AMERICAN MANNERS--AND, BY THE WAY, ARE THEY GETTING ANY BETTER? A lack of obsequiousness. A Hey-I'm-just-as-good-as-you quality. That's the basic idea. I've been attacking American manners for 25 years, and I succeeded too well. Americans concluded that we're naturally crude. The truth is that America invented the idea of etiquette as equality. That principle has been a major influence in the world. Particularly in countries that want to be like us.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE OF HOW AMERICAN MANNERS HAVE AFFECTED ATTITUDES AROUND THE WORLD. The dignity of labor. Even if someone has all the money in the world and just spends it, we look down on him or her. This has spread everywhere. Now every aristocratic twig has to have a shop or a career.

WERE THE FOUNDING FATHERS CONCERNED WITH ETIQUETTE? George Washington felt that every inch of his person was setting a pattern. So did Jefferson, but in the opposite direction. He rejected all hierarchy. His guests complained that he entertained in slippers. But they were both convinced that European etiquette was outmoded. The question was, How do you treat people as equals and still have respect, and still have a government?

DOES THE PRESIDENT STILL HAVE A ROLE--AND HOW'S GEORGE BUSH DOING? Every President is trying to strike a balance between being too full of himself and too chummy. Being a polite person, I don't go around criticizing individuals who are still with us.

ARE THERE ANY NEW FORMS OF ETIQUETTE THAT YOU SEE? Yes, cyberspace is a new form of community. Remember its motto--No Rules? But soon there were etiquette rules called Netiquette posted in every chat room. You can't have a sense of community without rules.

HAVE MANNERS IN THE BUSINESS WORLD CHANGED? There is a pseudosocial aura of equality in business now where everyone goes by his or her first name. This is faux equality. If everyone were really equal, no one would get fired.

YOU SUGGEST PEOPLE ARE MORE AWARE OF BAD MANNERS THESE DAYS. ANY EXAMPLES OF PEOPLE GOING TOO FAR TO MODIFY RUDE BEHAVIOR? People are more and more using the law to outlaw behavior that is merely annoying or disgusting. Cities are legislating against cell phones and smoking. To use the law to control that kind of behavior gives us a lot less freedom. Etiquette is voluntary. Its enforcement arm is disapproval.

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE GOING OVERBOARD IN BEING TOO FORMAL? American life has been so relentlessly informal that when people have the chance for formality, like high school proms and weddings, they go out of their minds.

BY THE WAY, IS MULTITASKING RUDE? I JUST CHECKED MY EMAIL WHILE WE WERE TALKING. If the other person knows about it, yes. This is one of the great advantages that manners have over morals: if nobody knows, it doesn't count. If I hear the toilet flushing, it counts; if I don't, it doesn't.