People

By Joel Stein

DO YOU REALLY WANT ROYALTIES FOR THIS ONE?

You can check the lyrics of Michael Jackson's Bad, Dangerous or HIStory, but so far, R. KELLY is the first pop star to write a song whose only purpose seems to be to ask "Would I be accused of sex crimes if I weren't famous?" Just two weeks after being arrested on 21 counts of child pornography for allegedly videotaping himself having sex with a 14-year-old, the R. and B. singer released a song explaining how he has been wronged. The soulful tune, which is being played on those stations across the country that have not yet shunned him, is titled Heaven, I Need a Hug and will be included on an upcoming album that his lawyers are undoubtedly hoping does really well. The lyrics include, "It's all because I'm famous/ You know what I'm saying?" And then, in case you don't understand what he is saying, the song goes on, "I mean if I wasn't famous/ Then all this wouldn't be happening." With that line, he adds the misuse of the subjunctive to his alleged crime against an underage girl. If convicted, he would face 15 years in prison, where he could meet many men willing to oblige him with a hug.

HE SHOOTS, HE'S FIRED

In his day job, AHN JUNG HWAN played soccer for Italy's Club Perugia. But when the World Cup began, he rejoined his fellow Koreans by playing for their national team--and it cost him his job. That's because he was the one who scored the winning overtime goal that allowed South Korea to oust Italy from the tournament. Perugia chairman Luciano Gaucci claims that he fired Ahn because of comments the athlete made in a post-game interview declaring Korean soccer superior to the Italian brand. But, Gaucci told an Italian paper, "I have no intention of paying a salary to someone who has ruined Italian soccer." A British member of the European Union's Parliament has asked the organization to look into whether the Italian team broke any E.U. antidiscrimination laws by firing Ahn because of his nationality.

HIS HAT IS OUT OF THE RING TOO

What do politicians say when they want to leave office? That private life is beckoning and so is the family. From Minnesota Governor JESSE VENTURA, one might have expected a more original exit line. But when he announced last week that he would not be seeking re-election in a state in which his popularity has fallen significantly, he said, "I feel it's time to go back to the private sector." This from a man who during his one term wrote a book, did color commentary for the now defunct XFL and consulted on a Broadway musical about his life, which, sadly, was abandoned the day of his announcement. Using a trick from Ross Perot's playbook, he cited a desire to protect his family as the reason for his departure. This was apparently in reaction to an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune that said his son Tyrel, 22, threw raucous parties in the Governor's mansion and left it littered with empty wine and beer bottles.

WATCH OUT, ART BUCHWALD

When people stop writing about you, the smartest thing you can do is write about yourself. So both PAMELA ANDERSON and AMY FISHER will now be taking their mad writing styles to the public. Fisher, who shot lover Joey Buttafuoco's wife Mary Jo in the head 10 years ago, will write a biweekly column for the New Island Ear, a free, month-old Long Island, N.Y., newspaper that has already put Fisher on its cover. Jane magazine, which has plastered Anderson on its cover several times, will let Pammy, who has some free time since her syndicated show V.I.P. permanently ended production last week, take on topics like parenting, women's health and domestic abuse every month. Readers will have a chance to decide whether some people are better seen than read.