How To Teach Thank-You Notes

By W. Bruce Cameron

Of all the people on my holiday shopping list this season, there's one little boy for whom buying a gift has become increasingly difficult. He's a wonderful child, adorable and loving, and he's not fussy or petulant or spoiled. Though he lives across the country from me, I receive regular updates and photos, and he likes all the things that boys his age want to play with. Shopping for him should be easy, but I find it hard to summon up any enthusiasm, because in all the years I've given him presents, he has never once sent me a thank-you note.

"Sending thank-you notes is becoming a lost art," mourns Mary Mitchell, a syndicated columnist known as "Ms. Demeanor" and author of six etiquette books. In her view, each generation, compared with the one before, is losing a sense of consideration for other people. "Without respect," she says, "you have conflict."

Ms. Demeanor would be proud of me: I have figured out a way to ensure that my children always send thank-you notes. And such a gesture is important, says Ms. Demeanor, because "a grateful attitude is a tremendous life skill, an efficient and inexpensive way to set ourselves apart in the work force and in our adult lives. Teach your children that the habit of manners comes from inside--it's an attitude based on respecting other people."

A few years ago, as my children descended like piranhas on their presents under the Christmas tree, the only attitude I could see was greed. Where was the appreciation for the giver's investment of time and effort?

A thank-you note should contain three things: an acknowledgment of the gift (Love the tie with the picture of a horse on it); a recognition of the time and effort spent to select it (You must have shopped all over the state to find such a unique item!); and a prediction of how you will use your gift or the way it has enhanced your life (I'll be sure to wear it to the next Mr. Ed convention!).

So, five years ago, in one of my rare flashes of parental insight, I decided that the most opportune time to teach this basic courtesy is while the tinsel is hot. To the horror of my children, I announced that henceforth every gift received will be an occasion for a thank-you note written immediately, on the spot. I have explained to my kids how I have reacted to not hearing from that little boy--how it made me feel unappreciated and unmotivated to repeat the process next year.

I have reluctantly given my kids the green light to send e-mail thank-you notes; though hand-lettered ones (at least to me) still seem friendlier. But pretty much any thank-you makes the gift giver feel special--just as, we hope, the recipient feels. It's a gesture that perfectly captures the spirit of the holidays.

Cameron is the author of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter