Safety Is for Sissies

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

Critics say the Bush Administration has been recklessly reversing Clinton-era policies to pay back corporate benefactors and mollify right-wing ideologues. In fact, just this week...

[Dick Cheney] Here are those school-lunch regulations our friends at the Suspect Meat Council wanted you to take a look at, the ones about salmonella testing...

[George W. Bush] Are we going too far? I mean, feeding kids salmonella--isn't that an endangered species or something?

[Dick Cheney] I'd explain, but I've got a 2 o'clock with the Chokeable Toys Round Table. Just sign here...

They did change their minds on that one. Maybe there's more going on than meets a cynic's eye? Let Defense Secretary Rumsfeld explain the decision to suspend missile talks with N. Korea...

[Donald Rumsfeld] If rogue nations didn't have missiles, what would we need our expensive space-based missile-defense system for?

[Tim Russert] Now it makes sense!

Limits on arsenic in drinking water may or may not need a "thorough review," but everyone can agree this is a golden marketing opportunity...

Dudes! All that salmonella is making me radical thirsty!

Check out the new Poland Spring XTreme! Powered by EPA-approved arsenic levels!

Awesome! My duodenum's en fuego!

After suspending new limits on carbon dioxide emissions, President Bush claimed there's still an "incomplete state of scientific knowledge" on global warming. But one thing's for sure: building a vast national network of dikes to control coastal flooding would be just the thing to kick-start the economy!

Ow! Ow! My finger!

And where would we be with those costly Clinton rules about ergonomic workplaces?

Road building in pristine national forests: Ecological nightmare--or jobs program for endangered species?

Watch where you're going!

You try driving this thing with hooves!

November 2004. Having reversed the nation's shortages of cyclamates, DDT and lead-based house paint, President Bush wins easy re-election, racking up huge pluralities among oncologists and people with three arms. Not to mention working beavers.

[Dick Cheney] Next we get rid of those nutrition labels on food. All those damn milligrams of cholesterol staring you in the face...

[George W. Bush] And seat belts. Please.