People

By Josh Tyrangiel

BENTSEN VS. LADUKE ON THE UNDERCARD

On his continuing ride down the spiral of lefty public opinion, RALPH NADER just slid past MICHAEL DUKAKIS. It started on election night when Dukakis, not previously known as a scorching comet of unrestrained passion, told the Washington Post that if Nader cost Al Gore the election, "I'll strangle the guy with my bare hands." Nader demanded an apology, saying Dukakis was "reckless" and "out of control." "I was trying to be funny," Dukakis told the Boston Globe. "You have to have a sense of humor in this business." Responded Nader: "I have done Saturday Night Live four times. Who says I don't have a sense of humor?" Dukakis tried to end things, noting, "Needless to say, I do not intend to do physical harm to brother Nader." Ralph? "The issue is that he said it, and it coarsened the dialogue." And that Dukakis-Nader ticket looked so promising.

Singin' like a Bird

Sometimes names are changed to protect the innocent, and sometimes names are changed just enough to ensure you know exactly who the "innocent" are. Following the rich tradition that flows from Charles Foster Kane to Layla, RUSSELL CROWE, in his guise as rock star, has written a song that may say everything, or nothing, about his relationship with Proof of Life co-star Meg Ryan. Wendy, written for Crowe's band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, contains the lyrics, "Wendy's got a little boy/Someone to keep in mind for the future/She's got no husband who cares," and "Now don't you put her down/She tried to do it right/Sometimes things don't come out/Quite, quite, quite the way we plan them." Not sold? Last year Crowe wrote a Grunts' song called Other Ways of Speaking, which, he told an Aussie TV station, was about a woman he could "easily fall in love with," but she "plays for a different team." Now, who was it that he broke up with?

IS HE THE RUNNING MAN?

Californians could face a choice come November 2002. Do they want a guy named Gray Davis to juice those turbines, or would they prefer to see the Terminator cracking skulls down at the regulatory commission? Inspired by the recent power drain, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER is again flirting with a possible run for Governor of California. Citing a need for aggressive leadership, Schwarzenegger told the Los Angeles Times, "The bottom line is, if Davis goes on the way he is, then eventually there will be a vacuum in a year, and I could...I just leave it open." To give him a preview of the current political landscape, a fortuitously timed Premiere magazine article hits newsstands next week, alleging that Schwarzenegger has cheated on wife Maria Shriver, undergone a procedure to have pig valves installed in his heart and generally treated his help poorly. Schwarzenegger refused to comment on the story, though his rep says the actor has no plans to sue.

TEMPTATION ISLAND? TOTALLY LEGIT

There is gambling in Casablanca; there is corruption in Chinatown; and there may be something fishy on Survivor too. A suit filed in San Francisco County Superior Court by ex-Survivor contestant STACEY STILLMAN claims show producer Mark Burnett "improperly abused his relationships with the contestants" by persuading Sean Kenniff and Dirk Been to vote her, rather than ex-Navy SEAL Rudy Boesch, off the island. Similar charges were leveled last year in The Stingray, a book about the show by investigative reporter Peter Lance. Stillman, seeking unspecified damages, says a letter from Been to Burnett exists to support her claim. Less persuasive is that during her time on the island, Stillman was known as "the annoying one." CBS, also a defendant in the suit, called the action "frivolous and groundless." Reprising his role as America's crazy old coot, Boesch said of Stillman, "I can't figure her out."

The End of the Aussie-American Pact

It was a romance nurtured by NASCAR in Days of Thunder, tested by the Irish accents of Far and Away and pushed to the soft-core brink by Eyes Wide Shut. And now it's over. TOM CRUISE and NICOLE KIDMAN didn't make a single good movie together, but they were still the international glamour couple of the '90s, and when press rep Pat Kingsley announced the end of their 10-year marriage due to the "difficulties inherent in divergent careers," people the world over wondered what exactly Kingsley was talking about. Since the couple shared a vocation, worked together frequently and seldom spent more than two weeks apart, speculation immediately turned to possible third parties. Those possible third parties--including Kidman co-stars George Clooney and Ewan McGregor and Cruise's Vanilla Sky ingenue Penelope Cruz--issued denials and ran for cover. Soon, sources close to Kidman hinted that the couple may have fought over the role of Scientology in the upbringing of their two adopted children, Isabella, 8, and Connor, 6. Cruise renounced Roman Catholicism in 1990 and has since become a sort of goodwill ambassador for Scientology, while Kidman, raised Catholic, was reportedly reluctant to raise her kids in L. Ron Hubbard's church. Kingsley dismissed the reports, saying, "Scientology had nothing to do with this." As for the timing of the split, it turns out that Cruise's stated date of separation, Dec. 21, 2000, is just three days before the couple's 10th anniversary. For those without a background in the minutiae of California divorce law, marriages of 10 years or more are classified as "long-term," giving the court full authority to rule on such issues as spousal support. Of course, Cruise and Kidman both have estimated nine-figure personal fortunes, meaning, in the end, only fans of their collaborative work will live in poverty.

PUN-TIFICATING

Meg Ryan's marriage to Dennis Quaid was "D.O.A.," though she rebounded quickly and "Got Male" with Russell Crowe. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger made the mistake of starring in The Marrying Man. Oh, my! Still, no previous celebrity breakup has provided such absurd opportunities for media punning as the demise of Tom and Nicole. To wit:

"Days of Asunder" --Entertainment Weekly

"Days of Plunder" --The Express, London

"Hearts Wide Shut" --People

"Separation: Impossible?" --Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel

"Mission: Impossible" --New York Daily News

"Marriage Impossible" --The Sun, London

"Marriage: Impossible" --The Calgary Sun

"Mission Impossible III" --Australian Associated Press

"Cruise Missile: Tom Files Divorce Papers" --New York Post