People

By Rebecca Winters

AT THE SPEED OF CELEBRITY

In the spring issue of INSTYLE WEDDINGS (on newsstands now) actress COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH writes, "When the minister announced us as 'Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Conrad,' and we turned around and saw so many happy (relieved?) faces, I knew we had done the right thing by getting married."

In the media release last Thursday announcing her split from her husband of seven months, Thorne-Smith writes, "Andy and I have mutually decided to separate. There are no third parties involved. We remain good friends and will share custody of our dogs."

WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE HER CURRENT NAKED PICTURES?

ANNA NICOLE SMITH says she's sick of all the jokes about her. So we're not going to dwell on the fact that her lawyer is named Howard Stern, or that Smith, 33, hasn't been attending the latest phase in the Texas trial over her late nonagenarian husband's fortune because of a hand injury she suffered while exercising. Instead, we're just going to air her grievance that Playboy, which discovered her and launched her career, has exploited her troubles by putting her on the cover of its current issue, running old nude photos of her inside. The magazine is also releasing the upcoming video The Complete Anna Nicole Smith: A True Rags to Riches Story, which, to add injury to insult, is hosted by E! channel's A.J. Benza. And we're pleased to report that last week a California judge upheld the $475 million award she received from a lawsuit against her late husband's estate, allowing her to drop her case in Texas. We will, however, run this photo of her.

FEUD OF THE WEEK

HEATHER ("ROLLERGIRL") GRAHAM

AGE: 30 HEIGHT: 5 ft. 8 in. WEIGHT: 116 lbs. OCCUPATION: Posing for celebrity magazines

BEST PUNCH: "Organized religion, in my experience, has been destructive. Why do I have to do what all these men are saying? Why is a woman's sexuality supposed to be so evil?" Also, turned down Mom's offer to be a nun

THE "STATUE-HAPPY" CATHOLIC CHURCH

AGE: 2001 HEIGHT: 452 ft. (Vatican) WEIGHT: Massive OCCUPATION: Guilting and indulgencing

BEST PUNCH: Catholic League president William Donohue: "She is now free to throw off all her shackles so she now accepts film roles either as a slut or a porn star. She doesn't need therapy--just counseling by a priest"

THE WINNER: Graham. At least until the afterlife

Bad Connection

In a competition of alpha males, it would be tough to come up with a closer matchup than combative 60 Minutes reporter MIKE WALLACE and the chest-thumping U.S. Marine Corps. Unfortunately for fans of hand-to-hand combat, a battle between the two parties has escalated only to a war of words. Within days of a crash of the military's troubled V-22 Osprey aircraft, Wallace attempted to contact the pilot's widow. "I did what any reporter would do," Wallace said. "I made a polite, sensitive call." The officer's family and the Marines disagree. In a letter to CBS executives obtained by the Washington Post, General James Jones wrote that Wallace's "tenacity was offensive and the conversation ceased only when a family friend abruptly terminated the connection." Wallace has doubtless been hung up on before. Maybe he just thought that was how ordinary people say goodbye.

NBA SLAP A SLAM DUNK?

Guerrilla marketing is to be expected from MARK CUBAN. Last year, in a bid for publicity, the Dallas Mavericks' owner not only hired DENNIS RODMAN but offered him free lodging at his own guesthouse. But surely the NBA didn't anticipate that Cuban would be downright ecstatic about the $250,000 fine officials imposed for his antics during the Mavs' loss to Detroit last week. "I think it's great," said Cuban, the billionaire co-founder of Broadcast.com who bought the team last year. Cuban was reprimanded for a public scolding of game referees. "There is no way we could spend $250,000 to get this type of promotion for the Mavs," he said. "Tons of people will buy merchandise, and more will come to the games--just like the last time I was fined." This is the fourth time this season Cuban has had to shell out for bad behavior, a total tab of $295,000, not counting the cleaning bill after Rodman left.

TESTING THAT CELEBRITY SKIN

Love hurts. Especially when your boyfriend's ex-wife drives her Volvo over your foot. That's what actress/singer/rock-icon-widow COURTNEY LOVE alleges in a lawsuit filed last month against Lesley Barber, a Los Angeles woman who was married to Love's current beau, Geffen Records executive JIM BARBER. In the $1.5 million suit, Love claims Barber is "obsessed" with her and has engaged in a "20-month campaign of stalking" and "harassment," blaming the end of her marriage on Love. According to the suit, Barber drove a car straight at Love last June. Love says she jumped out of the way, but the car rolled over her foot. As a result, the suit claims, Love was unable to complete training for a "heavily physical" role in Halloween director John Carpenter's next film, Ghosts of Mars, and consequently lost the part. It seems the injury to Love's foot has not impaired her enthusiasm for kicking butt.

YES, BUT DOES THE SENATOR DO WINDOWS?

If you thought Michael Dukakis looked cool in that tank, then check out Florida Senator BOB GRAHAM this week when he plans to perform the work of an ordinary Floridian for the 365th time. For his latest assignment, he will moonlight as a flight attendant. In a perpetual Career Day intended to help him better understand his constituents, Graham began sampling various jobs in 1974 while a Florida state legislator. Since then, he has spent a day a month working such jobs as teacher, Winn-Dixie bag boy, construction worker (see left) and horse-stable pooper scooper ("I kept the ring clear, so that people weren't odoriferously impacted," he reports). For his gig as a US Airways steward, Graham is boning up on his safety speech and his mixed drinks. "Of course, we'll be encouraging everyone to drink orange juice," he says.