Ryder on the Storm

By Joel Stein

Even as it suffers, America is creating diamonds out of the dirty coal of this election crisis. I have no idea if that's how diamonds are made, but surely America is tough enough to suffer through some bad geological analogies. That's how strong we are. And because of that, we are about to be rewarded. While all of unemployed America spent eight hours watching a Ryder truck filled with ballots travel at the speed limit across Florida, one brave woman in Los Angeles saw that truck as a way to bring joy to this chad-torn country. Or at least to make some cash.

Sherri Spillane--Mickey Spillane's ex-wife and the talent agent who has represented Joey Buttafuoco, John Wayne Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, Kato Kaelin, Rudy from Survivor and Judge Ito impersonator Randall Tamayei--got the idea to sign Tony Enos, the guy who drove the Ryder truck. Actually, what happened was that Amanda Ripley, who sits down the hall from me, called Spillane and asked if she had signed anyone from the Florida scandal, which inspired Spillane to call Enos. So, really, it's a beautiful story about an intrepid reporter, a scrappy agent and democracy itself coming together to create something for me to ridicule.

Spillane is not at all fazed by the fact that nobody has seen Enos' face or knows his name. In fact, she seems to think it's a plus. "It hit me that this is the most famous truck driver since the O.J. Simpson case but no one in the media ever mentioned him," she says. Knowing how society values the truck driver du jour, Spillane called Good Morning America, Rosie O'Donnell and Regis Philbin. She also called Ryder about getting Enos on some TV spots. She hasn't heard back from them yet, so she's calling some other truck-rental companies. Spillane plays hardball.

With the Ryder truck being auctioned off on eBay for $80,000 or more, good sense says the driver has to be worth at least half that much. But Enos, 38, is still putting in days as the voting-system manager in West Palm Beach. I don't really understand what he has to do with the voting-system mess down there, but it does seem like a good idea for Spillane to be scouting out other work for him.

Enos doesn't sing, dance, act or even drive trucks--except for this one time--but he does seem to tell jokes. "I might do a commercial for Ryder, but I'm not looking to do something spectacular like run for President," he says. In level of fame, Enos ranks himself below Bronson Pinchot and even under Spillane clients Divine Brown and Faye Resnick. "Those people are focused on a whole story," he says. "I'm just one person who transported ballots from West Palm Beach to Tallahassee." In fact, Enos seems kind of creeped out by the attention. "I'd see people run across the overpass and wave and take pictures, and I was thinking, 'Why are they doing this? They could be waving at a truck with someone taking furniture somewhere.'"

What Enos doesn't understand is that we've reached the point where you can be famous not only if you didn't do anything but even if no one knows your name or face. So if you were one of those people waving at the truck, I'd suggest putting in a call to Spillane right now.