People

By Josh Tyrangiel

IT'S NOT FROM ACTS

Before he was POPE JOHN PAUL II, it is well known that Karol Wojtyla wanted to be a playwright. It is less well known that he wanted to be Neil Simon. The Jeweller's Shop: A Meditation on the Sacrament of Matrimony, Passing on Occasion into a Drama, currently being performed in the crypt of a Paris church, shows the young playwright musing on the subject of marriage through the eyes of three couples and the proprietor of a wedding-band shop who just happens to be the human incarnation of God. As a playwright, Wojtyla makes a pretty good Pope. Xylophones dramatically rise and fall throughout the work, while somber monologues are interspersed with zany modern choreography, all at the playwright's suggestion. Originally written for Poland's underground Rhapsodic Theater, the poetry-slam-style high jinks are adorably dated, but they don't hold a candle to transubstantiation.

THE MUSEUM OF MODINE ART

Female celebrities do yoga. Male celebrities paint. These are the rules; don't ask us why. They are so rigorous, however, that even relatively dormant celebs like MATTHEW MODINE must follow them, as we learned last week when several of the Full Metal Jacket star's paintings, believed to have been stolen more than a decade ago, were discovered in a New York City apartment. An N.Y.P.D. detective noticed a painting of Modine with Birdy co-star Nicolas Cage in a Chinatown apartment. After climbing a fire escape to get a closer look, he obtained a search warrant. Seven Modine masterpieces and the actor's family photo album were recovered. Modine had filed a new complaint with police this September, when a woman tipped him that someone was showing off his belongings. We pray that the canvas of Modine and Geena Davis in their Cutthroat Island costumes can still be found.

SHE ALWAYS WAS A TEASE

The hype surrounding the Michael Douglas-Catherine Zeta-Jones wedding was awfully bloated, but at least they actually got married. MADONNA, however, has been publicly flirting with marriage to film director GUY RITCHIE for months. There was the bagel-size diamond ring she'd been sporting, plus rumors of a Scottish ceremony, the baby they had together--all the usual celebrity nuptial signs. On Tuesday, finally, Madonna told Britain's The Sun: "Guy has asked me to marry him, and I've said yes, but we haven't decided when yet." Wonderful; on to Gwyneth and Ben...but no. Later that same day, Madonna's rep retracted the engagement, saying that The Sun had taken Madonna's quote out of context, and that "Madonna is not engaged." What further context "Guy has asked me to marry him, and I've said yes" requires remains a mystery. Specifying which guy, perhaps?

I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE! (BUT I AM ON THE RUN)

When we last heard from OL' DIRTY BASTARD, he had ducked out of a drug-treatment facility moments before a scheduled trip to the Los Angeles Criminal Courthouse. Now this modern-day Dr. Richard Kimble is making his way across the country, ducking Johnny Law and helping old friends. Last Tuesday, Dirty, a.k.a. Russell Jones, assisted his Wu-Tang Clan mates during a concert at New York City's Hammerstein Ballroom. Much to the surprise of the audience and some of the group's nine members, Dirty, clutching a champagne bottle, performed two songs before addressing his faithful: "Y'all know they had the ODB locked down, right? Well, I'm here to tell you that they can't keep me down. Now I'm free, and I'm out there like a bird flying around, so y'all better leave some birdseed on your windowsills, because I may be flying by your house." With that, he dropped his microphone and took wing.