60-Second Symposium

By Melissa August, Amanda Bower, Matthew Cooper, Steven Frank, Macabe Keliher, Ling Minhua, Ellin Martens, Michele Orecklin, Julie Rawe, Sora Song, Josh Tyrangiel

CHEEK TRICK

Al Gore may keep his bald spot out of sight by avoiding certain camera angles, but last week there was no hiding the giant boil on George W. Bush's face. His bulging Band-Aid drew a lot of attention, so we asked a few cosmetic experts for better ways of dealing with such a large blemish.

PATRICIA WEXLER, dermatologist to the stars: "The best way to treat a boil is to drain the pus, use a bit of acid to dry it out, and apply a good cover-up. The last thing he'd want to do is slap on a big boo-boo strip. It distracted from what he was saying. Showing pimples under stress won't help with Middle East negotiations: 'Excuse me while I mop my face...'"

KEVYN AUCOIN, celebrity makeup artist: "When Divine gets a black eye in John Waters' Female Trouble, she puts purple and black on the other eye to match. In the spirit of Divine, I think Bush should offset his bandage by double-piercing the opposite ear and wearing bright and spangly earrings. It worked in the '80s for new-wave bands."

ANSWER FELLA, Esquire's advice guru: "A boil, like an angry mob of Floridians, is an ugly sight, but nothing that Rutherford B. Hayes--whose postelection carbuncles were legend--couldn't overcome. Forget antibiotics. Trust the people's wisdom: Apply slices of raw bacon wrapped in gauze to the boil, and no matter what, avoid hand recounts."