That's Some Frequency

By Melissa August, Val Castronovo, Matthew Cooper, Ling Minhua, Lina Lofaro, Ellin Martens, Benjamin Nugent, Michele Orecklin, Julie Rawe, Sora Song, Josh Tyrangiel

Those who didn't make it through all of Tuesday night's election coverage missed Dan Rather at his Texas tongue-twister best. The longer he was on the air, the more colorful the similes. Here, a nonchronological reconstruction of events in Rather's own words.

THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE IS "hot enough to peel house paint."

"...as hot and tight as a too small bathing suit on a too long car ride back from the beach."

"...still hotter than a Laredo parking lot."

"...as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford."

BUSH "has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field."

"...will be madder than a rained-on rooster..."

"...is sweeping through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

WHILE GORE'S "back's against the wall, his shirttail's on fire and the bill collector's at the door."

"...as cross as a snapping turtle..."

AND THE SENATE CAMPAIGNS WERE "as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August."

"...ugly enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard."

MEANWHILE, "you can bet that they're smiling like a cat in a creamery down in Austin ..."

ALTHOUGH BUSH'S LEAD "is now shakier than cafeteria Jell-O"

"...has been melted faster than ice cream in a microwave."

BECAUSE "...close only counts with hand grenades and horseshoes..."

"California is the big burrito. Texas is a big taco...Florida is a big tamale. It's not only a hot tamale, it's the only tamale that counts..."

IN SUMMARY, "if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."