Don Quixotes, We Salute You

By Ann Marie Bonardi, Val Castronovo, Daniel S. Levy, Ling Minhua, Benjamin Nugent, Julie Rawe, Sora Song, Josh Tyrangiel

Voters seem less than inspired by the candidates this election, creating the perfect environment for the emergence of viable third parties. But after a careful examination of the self-made, buck-the-Establishment politicos who are making a run for office this year, we declare the following pretty much unelectable. Nice try, though.

NATURAL MEDICINE PARTY Wash. Attorney General-wannabe Stan Lippmann is pro-self-prescribed drugs, anti-mandatory vaccination.

LIGHT PARTY Calif. Presidential candidate Dr. Da Vid's (ne Dolph Ornstein) mantra is health, peace and freedom for all.

PROHIBITION PARTY Colo. As well as outlawing booze, five-time Prez candidate Earl Dodge wants to nix the Federal Reserve.

NATIONAL BARKING SPIDER RESURGENCE PARTY Colo. Mike Bay, Prez hopeful, wants a 13.5% flat tax and a pet bed for every dog.

MOUNTAIN PARTY W.Va. Gubernatorial candidate Denise Giardina seeks an end to coal miners' "decapitation" of mountains.

LETTUCE PARTY Del. Issue No. 1 for President Felix, a.k.a. Rock Macho: getting Pete Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

GOD BLESS JERSEY PARTY N.J. George Gostigian's not the only one taking God to the Senate; he's up against the Trust in God Party.

TIMESIZING.COM PARTY Mass. If he gets to be Senator, Phil Hyde, the "Un-Kennedy" candidate, will shorten the workweek.