Don't Vote

By Joel Stein

I am here to relieve your guilt. If you are a normal, taxpaying American, you will not vote. And everyone wants to make you feel bad about it. MTV may not have a problem with misogyny, gay bashing or pouring champagne on the chests of bikinied women in the name of high-volume pimping, but it draws its line in the moral desert at staying home on Election Day. I've noticed, however, that it has quieted down on the whole Rock the Vote thing ever since Jesse Camp won the Wannabe a VJ poll.

I first heard this get-out-and-vote rhetoric in seventh grade, when my civics teacher told our class that, if we didn't vote, we'd forfeit our right to complain. There is no more effective scare tactic on a class filled with 13-year-old Jewish boys, other than to mess with our Bar Mitzvah money. But voting so that you can whine is probably not what the framers had in mind. I don't remember seeing the phrase "bitching and moaning" anywhere in the Bill of Rights. Besides, voting actually endangers your right to complain because you might vote for the winner, thus making you partly responsible. Mr. Convery responded to that logic with extra homework.

There's good reason people don't vote. Voting is a pain in the ass. Plus it usually requires walking into a public school, which isn't something most people ever want to do again, especially if they had Mr. Convery. Luckily, we can afford to stay home because things are going well and we know from Minnesota that no leader can mess it up too badly. While this election might matter to you if you're gay or an N.R.A. member, for the rest of us, as well as gay N.R.A. members, it's a wash. Our desire to avoid change gave us two bland, ineffectual candidates. Not committing to one of them is just our strange way of saying I love you. I may have some other issues going on here.

I'm sick of this election. I don't care about battleground states, likability polls or what those undecided people on NBC think after debates. These are people who signed up to tell America they don't have anything to say. And as soon as they decide, they get kicked off the panel. It's like Idiot Survivor.

The government does everything it can to get you to vote: it even sets up a curtained booth to trick you into thinking that pulling the lever will cause a naked woman to dance. That first election I voted in, I must have pulled every lever eight times. I alone ensured Perot got his matching funds.

The ruling class wants you to vote because voting tricks you into believing you have an equal stake in the power structure. You are less likely to revolt if you feel included in determining who gets to look down Arianna Huffington's blouse at Washington parties.

Voting is not a charitable act. It doesn't help others or ensure a continued democracy. You can be more effective donating those two hours to building a house with Jimmy Carter or even reading a story to Jimmy Carter. He's getting up there. Better yet, find someone who favors the candidate you were going to vote against, and stay home together talking about the issues. It won't accomplish anything, but it will help us get election results more quickly. And that means an earlier work night on Nov. 7 for me.