Brotherly Love

By Michelle Slatalla

At this late date, I don't want to dwell on my little brother taking my new bike without permission back in 1974. What's important is we both know he was wrong, and I accept his apology. "What apology?" he asked the other day when I stopped by his apartment in Boston in the middle of my vacation. I had a laundry emergency. "I accept, Big Man," I said, elbowing him aside to get to his stash of Liquid Tide.

For baby boomers--who will live longer, have less-stable marriages and fewer children than preceding generations--sibling relationships are likely to last longer than any other personal bond. The good news is that most of those relationships are positive, according to Robby Stewart, a researcher at Oakland University in Michigan. He surveyed 658 adult siblings and found that their relationships fit into five categories: supportive, longing (for siblings you don't see), competitive, apathetic and hostile. Only 15% were hostile; most others felt they could rely on one another.

As you age, bad relationships may improve because you forget the petty kid stuff. For instance, my youngest brother, a 31-year-old anesthesiologist, does not feel the slightest twinge of resentment at being characterized as a little brother in a national newsmagazine. And if he did? That's what he gets for denting my handlebars. He can be grateful that America doesn't know his kindergarten nickname. Yet.

Stewart has concluded that siblings who were young rivals may be most likely to develop hostile or apathetic adult relationships. As I was discussing this finding on the phone with him recently, I could hear two of my daughters in the background arguing heatedly over whose turn it was to feed the dog. "If kids bicker, are they rivals?" I asked. "Are you asking this because of your siblings or your daughters?" Stewart responded. "They're that loud?" I asked. We both knew the answer. And if it's in my power to prevent another generation of painful memories of a scratched fender, I will act now.

I wish Stewart's advice was simple. But one complication is that survey participants who like their siblings today tend to remember good things about them as kids. With that in mind, persuade antagonists to become healthy competitors in sports and games. "Two boys who play one-on-one basketball can respect each other and may remember being childhood buddies," Stewart said.

Teamwork also creates buddies. On housecleaning day, divvy up chores and reward collaboration by treating the whole family to a movie. Another trick: assign kids tasks to accomplish together without adult aid. "When my two kids were in elementary school, they used to prepare dinner for us occasionally," Stewart said. "We ate a lot of Campbell's tomato soup and grilled-cheese sandwiches, and they learned to cooperate."

While growing up, my little brother and I did laundry together, and to this day nobody bleaches whites the way he does. While I dealt with my recent laundry emergency, he brought me a martini. Two olives. "That's what I call a nice apology, [nickname deleted for now]," I said.

See our website at time.com/personal for more about sibling relatinships. You can send Michelle an e-mail at mslat@well.com