Wiping Away the Tears

By Andrea Sachs

Having a baby? Buy a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting. Kids getting a little older? It's probably time for a book by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. As each of life's passages sweeps into their lives, parents typically reach for the bookstore shelf as a source of advice--except, perhaps, when a death occurs in the family.

Too bad. The fact is, there's much help to be found on bookstore shelves these days. This fall there are three new books being published specifically to help children cope with a loss in the family. That can mean the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or even a pet. If there is one common thread in the messages of these books, it is to stay in close touch with your kids. As tricky as that may be, this is the time that they need you the most.

TALK, TALK, TALK Forget about talk being cheap. Helen Fitzgerald, the author of The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends (Fireside), believes talk is golden for an adolescent who has suffered a loss. "Talk, talk, talk," Fitzgerald advises teens. "Talk it out of your system. Find people you can talk to about what has happened. Be together. Don't isolate yourself from the love and caring of family and friends." Fitzgerald writes from experience. Her first husband died suddenly, leaving her with four children, two of them teens. She went on to become a pioneer in setting up grief programs and an author and a lecturer on grief and loss.

No topic is too frightening or difficult for Fitzgerald. She demystifies hospitals and funerals--and even tackles such sensitive questions as, What does a dead body look like? Fitzgerald has a warm, soothing tone and writes to adolescents directly and with no condescension. She is a great believer in teen-grief support groups: if one doesn't exist, start one. Her advice is practical: "If it is more than you can bear to think about right now, that's O.K. Read a book. Take a walk. Surf the Internet. Play basketball. Go to the movies. Paint a picture. Write a poem." Or spend a few hours with Fitzgerald's fine book.

DEATH EDUCATION Honesty is the best policy with grieving children, say Mary Ann and James Emswiler, the authors of Guiding Your Child Through Grief (Bantam). "Death education should be like sex education," they say. "Of course, you'll want to make sure your child understands what dead means (that the body doesn't work anymore--no feeling, no seeing, no breathing) before you explain subjects like cremation or embalming."

The authors are the founders of the Cove, a program for grieving children and their families in Guilford, Conn. They first learned about this subject the hard way: James' first wife died suddenly at 39, leaving him with three children. A few years later, he married Mary Ann, a business executive. Helping the children heal became their goal. "We share our story and this book with you out of the conviction that, if we can make it, you can too," they tell readers. Their smart book explains the dynamics of a suffering family and provides numerous ways parents can help their children weather the storm. Many children will need additional help, they say; a recent study indicated that within the first two years, 36% of grieving kids show symptoms troubling enough to warrant seeking professional mental-health care. So the book explains to parents how to find a counselor or a therapist if need be. Families will find the Emswilers' book a steadying hand at a rocky time.

LIFE IS GOOD Barbara Coloroso, the author of Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change (HarperCollins), is a great believer in openness with children in the face of death. "We can try to hide the loss from them, try to shield them from the anguish, convince ourselves they are too young to understand--they will still grieve, but without the comfort, support, knowledge and tools they need."

Coloroso's book, which also covers divorce and illness, is a true self-help book, and she is an adherent of pop-psych locutions. The "five S's" of suicide and murder, she says, are "stigma, shame, secrets, silence and sin." The "TAO" of family is an acronym for the three things we need when our lives are thrown into chaos: time, affection and optimism. Some of Coloroso's observations are wise; others will be annoying to those less inclined toward this approach. But it's hard to quibble with her favorite formulation: "Life is not fair. Life hurts. Life is good."