A Tale of Two Nicks

By Melissa August, Matthew Cooper, Rachel Dry, Daren Fonda, Ellin Martens, Benjamin Nugent, Julie Rawe and Josh Tyrangiel

Nothing revives a reputation quite like being sainted. Last week the Russian Orthodox Church announced that Nicholas II--Russia's last Czar and a man not exactly known for his good deeds--would be canonized. So how does he stack up against that other St. Nick?

SANTA CLAUS CZAR NICHOLAS II (4th century A.D.) (1868-1918)

IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS

Bushy beard, red bodysuit Bushy beard, (anti-red) military suit

EARLY SIGN OF GREATNESS

Ponied up three bags of gold Married hot princess for dowerless maidens (granddaughter of Queen Victoria)

GOT CANONIZED IN PART FOR...

Resurrecting three boys hacked Ruling Russia as agent of God up and pickled by a butcher

BEHAVIOR UNSEEMLY FOR A SAINT

Hanging out with the elf Black Hanging out with that libidinous Peter, who punishes snotty kids "holy devil" Rasputin

REASON TO CONSIDER REVOKING SAINTHOOD

Chipmunks singing Silver Bells; Partied after 1,300 peasants endless reruns of Miracle on trampled at fete in his honor; 34th Street banned vodka sales