People

By Josh Tyrangiel

COMING SOON TO OLD NAVY

Contrary to the old Whodini song, the freaks do not come out at night. They come out during fashion week in Paris. Dior designer JOHN GALLIANO, whose last couture line was inspired by homelessness, this time claimed the correspondence of Sigmund Freud sparked his desire to make clothes that a child might see while looking through the keyhole of his mother's boudoir. (Presumably Mrs. G. was not a T.J. Maxx shopper.) The show was staged as a mock wedding, with cross-bearing mandarins and gorilla women strolling down the runway to a sound track of orgasmic moans. A few were outraged, but most fashion pros merely chuckled. As Freud might have said, sometimes a gorilla woman is just a gorilla woman.

STOPPED, IN THE NAME OF INDIFFERENCE

Sometimes you can see the crash coming before the train leaves the station. Not only was Diana Ross going on tour after years of ignoring her core audience. She was also going out with a Supremes reconstituted from Motown slurry, with the best seats priced at $500 a pair. Sure enough, the Supremes' Return to Love tour derailed last week after 14 dates, many played to half-empty houses. Ross released a statement claiming that tour promoter SFX had canceled the remaining shows, while SFX, which is reportedly paying Ross $20 million, begged to differ, claiming that only certain shows had been canceled. At issue, of course, is money. If Ross pulls the plug, SFX can sue her for breach of contract and reclaim some cash. Saddened by the cancellations, Ross said, "I would sing the same if there were 10 people in the audience or 10,000." Now if she could just get those 10 people to pay $2 million apiece.

SHOULD BE QUITE A WEDDING VIDEO

For his self-consciously audacious MTV show, TOM GREEN has mimed having sex with a dead moose and tricked his grandmother into licking a sexual device, so is it any wonder that kindred spirit DREW BARRYMORE--who gleefully bared her breasts for David Letterman--snapped him up before anyone else could? The couple announced their engagement following a six-month romance that included Green's successful treatment for testicular cancer and Barrymore's difficult stay on the set of the Charlie's Angels movie. It's Green's first engagement, Barrymore's third (she was briefly married to a barkeep in 1994 and briefly engaged to Jamie Walters from Beverly Hills 90210). Guests shopping for something tasteful are better off not attending.

TO AN ATHLETE GETTING SLOW

The time you won your land the race We cheered you through the marketplace; Lass and boy stood cheering by, And home was brought BEN JOHNSON high

Last week, when you were coming home, On a stopover i' the town of Rome, You set your bags at Cambio down, Seconds later your wallet gone

"And off!" the suspect raced away $7,000 does not stay The female thief gone in a whirl Her accomplice but a 10-year-old girl

Chase you gave, though not for long This race went to the swift, not strong A woman of 40, authorities think, No hope she'll end up in the clink.

And round this baldly shaven fact One must step with little tact: An older woman had outrun A 100-meter champion.