Learning to Leverage

By Joel Stein

I finally got the call. Tim Nye, the co-founder of SonicNet (and I'm pretty sure, despite his denials, the Science Guy), wanted to interview me for a job at his new Internet start-up. He was vague on details about the company and said he couldn't tell me its name. He did, however, mention (a number of times) that it is pre-IPO. That was exactly how I dreamed it would happen.

I know I'm a little late on the dotcom trend, but the way I see it, I'm jumping on the retro-dotcom trend, which, if it's anything like '70s fashion, will be much more lucrative the second time around.

The day I met Tim I had to wear a suit for another meeting, but Tim was so nice, he didn't even comment on my outfit and went straight to his presentation. The entertainment site, alltrue.com shows four-minute movies of things young men might like to e-mail one another, though, Tim assured me, it wouldn't include porn, sports or stock quotes. I already saw a major flaw in his business plan. Then he showed me a clip of a guy being wheeled into surgery with a bowie knife embedded in his skull. In focus groups, this was by far the most popular clip on the site. I sat there wondering how Tim got my name, vowing to change my writing style.

Still, this company might IPO, so I tried to impress him with funny ways to use the bowie knife bit. I was halfway to developing a sitcom in which the wacky dictator's catchphrase was "Shut up, or I'll give you a head stabbing," when Tim told me the job he was offering me wasn't writing jokes, but controlling the site's content and managing a group of 30 producers. I asked Tim if it concerned him that I had no experience in technology, entertainment or managing people. "I'd much rather take a risk on a young gun than an upwardly failing executive," he said. This is zero-unemployment-speak for "All the upwardly failing executives have jobs, and we figured you wouldn't vomit at the bowie knife thing."

Despite the IPO and great salary, I was pretty sure I didn't want the job. That's because I realized the phrases "new challenges" and "learning a new skill set" actually meant "work." In fact, this whole proposition sounded suspiciously like it might involve doing stuff, compared with my current job, which mostly involves pretending not to know about Eritrea so I can be free to write about pornography.

But I knew the most important aspect of an Internet job offer is using it as leverage to get a raise, so I e-mailed my boss that afternoon. "I was offered a job at an Internet company whose name I forget but was something like knifeinthehead.com It's an exciting position with lots of new challenges, a six-figure salary and oodles of equity. I look forward to hearing what AOL Time Warner is prepared to offer me. Your humble but much coveted employee, Joel Stein."

The response arrived in less than an hour. "I can offer you something very similar," the e-mail began, "which is what you've got now: a very exciting position with lots of new challenges. And we have a new Foosball table and a group of folks here who really love you. You can't put a dollar figure on that." I was not only disappointed but kind of creeped out about the love part. Still, it beats working.