Ever Wonder: Wu Am I?

By Melissa August, Val Castronovo, Matthew Cooper, Ellin Martens, Paruedee Nguitragool, Desa Philadelphia, Julie Rawe, Alain Sanders, Josh Tyrangiel

Always wanted to be a member of the Wu-Tang Clan but were afraid your name wasn't cool enough for the likes of Ol' Dirty Bastard? Quit worrying. Everyone can get a complimentary Wu Name--denoting your status within the multiplatinum rap group at www.recordstore.com/wuname Of course, whether these are just nicknames or sly character assessments is unclear.

Bill Clinton: 100-Watt Warlock

George W. Bush: Bastard, Bastard Harbour-Mastah

Al Gore: Jive-Talkin' Choirboy

Ricky Martin: Radiophonic Oddity

Britney Spears: Spunky Misunderstood Genius

Bill Gates: Flailing Fanatical Killer

Demi Moore: Big Wicker Ventriloquist

Elian Gonzalez: Childish Gambino

Vladimir Putin: Sabre-Toothed Portillo

Kim Jong Il: Ol' Mucky Terrahawk

Regis Philbin: Chocolatey Shatner

William Shatner: Alarmingly Named Wolfman

Ghostface Killa (actual Wu-Tang member): Dizzy Cow