Some Very Interesting Questions

By CALVIN TRILLIN

I am now prepared to answer the campaign questions that readers have been itching to ask:

Q. People keep writing that in a small group, Al Gore can be charming, natural and witty. How small does the group have to be?

A. Three is good. This was proved in a secret experiment conducted by the Democratic National Committee--and financed with soft money, since it was considered a party-building activity. As more people entered the room, the Vice President stiffened at a steady pace that one researcher compared to rigor mortis. For the record, there were 16 people present when Gore "began exhibiting overt robotic characteristics."

Q. Did Steve Forbes accomplish something with the $66 million he spent running for President twice, or was it just a silly waste of money?

A. Silly waste of money.

Q. I read somewhere that Jesse Ventura and Donald Trump knew each other long before they banded together to form a Loudmouth Caucus in the Reform Party. Is that true?

A. Yes, and it had a strong impact on Ventura's career. Ventura, who had a crew cut at the time, took a long look at Trump and figured if haircuts could get that bad, he might as well shave his head.

Q. As Dan Quayle watches all the campaign debates, does he wonder how the public perception of him might have differed had he responded with a snappy comeback in 1992 when Lloyd Bentsen said, "You're no John Kennedy"?

A. Yes, all the time. But so far he hasn't thought of one.

Q. If whether or not to fly the Confederate battle flag over the state capitol is a question for the people of South Carolina to decide, why isn't whether or not to permit gay marriage a question for the people of Vermont to decide?

A. Just because.

Q. There are only three rich Episcopalians in this country who are fervently antiabortion, and every one of them ran for the 2000 Republican presidential nomination. Is this a coincidence?

A. Sort of. Although it's true that George W. Bush, Steve Forbes and John McCain are all from what students of comparative religion call the boarding-school wing of the Episcopal church, Bush now belongs to a Methodist congregation. He apparently underwent a denominational transformation after a spiritual encounter with Billy Graham, an evangelist preacher whose vision of Hell is a world in which he does not get to play golf with the President. It's unclear whether Steve Forbes will continue his financial support of an effort to persuade members of his own congregation to abandon Planned Parenthood and blockade an abortion clinic with their foxhounds.

Q. Why does George W. Bush often begin his response to a question by saying, "That's a very interesting question"?

A. That's a very interesting question. I hadn't actually thought about that. Or much else. At all. Ever.