Some Kids Are Orchids

By James Garbarino

Most of us think we know the kind of kid who becomes a killer, and most of the time we're right. Boys commit about 85% of all youth homicides, and in those cases about 90% conform to a pattern in which the line from bad parenting and bad environment to murder is usually clear. Through my work, I see these boys and young men in the courtroom and in prison with depressing regularity. Their lives start with abuse, neglect and emotional deprivation at home. Add the effects of racism, poverty, the drug and gang cultures, and it is not surprising that in a violent society like ours, damaged children become deadly teens.

But what about the other 10% of kids who kill: the boys who have loving parents and are not poor? What about boys like Dylan Klebold or Eric Harris, or Kip Kinkel of Springfield, Ore., who killed his parents and two schoolmates in 1998? Are their parents to blame when these kids become killers? I have learned as a researcher and an expert witness in youth homicide cases that the answer is usually no.

Most children are like dandelions; they thrive if given half a chance. Some are more like orchids. They do fine while young enough to be nurtured by loving parents, but wilt as adolescents subjected to peer competition, bullying and rejection, particularly in big high schools. Research shows that while only 10% of children who are born temperamentally "easy" have adjustment problems in elementary school, 70% of those who are "difficult" temperamentally have such problems. And while most fragile children do fine in early childhood, 50% have significant difficulties once they enter adolescence. Then children respond to the influence of peers and the larger culture in the neighborhood and the nation. The U.S. youth homicide rate is about 10 times higher than in Canada.

The "normal" culture of adolescence today contains elements that are so nasty that it becomes hard for parents (and professionals) to distinguish between what in a teenager's talk, dress and taste in music, films and video games indicates psychological trouble and what is simply a sign of the times. Most kids who subscribe to the trench-coated Goth lifestyle, or have multiple body piercings, or listen to Marilyn Manson, or play the video game Doom are normal kids caught in a toxic culture.

Intelligent kids with good social skills can be quite skillful at hiding who they really are from their parents. They may do this to avoid punishment, to escape being identified as "crazy," or to protect the parents they love from being disappointed or worried. In the wake of his shooting rampage, Kip Kinkel reported that he had been hearing voices but didn't tell anyone. Klebold successfully hid his inner turmoil from his loving parents. Anyway, how many parents are capable of thinking the worst of their son--for example, that he harbors murderous fantasies, or that he could go so far as acting them out? Even if parents know their child as an individual, they may not understand what he is capable of when in the company of another boy. Though it appears from public accounts that Harris was more prone to violence than Klebold, neither kid was likely to go on this rampage alone.

I think many of us are too ready to blame good parents for how their children cope with a violent and coarse society. Even loving, attentive parents can lose children who are temperamentally vulnerable--if they develop a secret life, get caught up in the dark side of the culture and form dangerous peer alliances. And that's scary for any parent to acknowledge.

Garbarino is professor of human development at Cornell University and is author of Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them