A Big Step

By EMILY MITCHELL

Jean Farmer can remember lonely holidays when she was raising her five children as a single mom. "Every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, it was just us," she says. "We were so hungry for a family." Since then, the void they felt has filled to the brim. In three years the Dallas clan has expanded to include husband Rick and two-year-old Kristina. Along with a stepfather, the Farmer marriage brought Jean's five older children yet another new relative--a stepgrandmother, Rick's widowed mother Charlene. And when Charlene in turn wed Joseph Glahn last year, Rick suddenly had to get used to a stepfather of his own. Says Jean: "This has been a growing relationship for all of us."

Everybody gets together for dinner two or three times a month, and all gather to celebrate the children's birthdays. This year Charlene helped Rick and Jean with the down payment for their $230,000, five-bedroom brick home in suburban Dallas. Understanding the needs and changing tastes of each child is one of the secrets of good grandparenting. Joe and Charlene, who enjoy surprising the kids with gifts, consider each child's interests and age, choosing just the right miniature car or Beanie Baby. Bridging the generation divide, Charlene offered advice about poodle skirts and other teen fashions from the '50s when Caryn, 15, needed a costume for a school production of Grease. On opening night Joe and Charlene led the audience's applause.

With its changing cast of adults and children, the blended family is the contemporary version of the traditional extended family of another era. While a never-ending supply of books offers guidance to the modern stepparent, stepgrandparents in the U.S. face uncharted, often bewildering terrain. Conflicts, resentment and jealousy can inflict lasting wounds on the adults as well as the children. Sue Waters, a Denver psychotherapist and director of Parenting After Divorce, emphasizes that "though the family logistics can be a nightmare, everyone has to think about what's best for the kids." With no biological connection, stepgrandparents don't see themselves reflected in the child and so must create the connection. "Go slow," advises Robert Klopfer, co-director of Stepping Stones Counseling Center in Ridgewood, N.J.

That's what Sallie Mann, 75, and Bernie Olin, 77, are doing. The two widowed Miamians had a blind date last year, and will be married this November. They met each other's families separately, discussing beforehand the interests and personalities of their eight children and 15 grandchildren. "It took a while, but we kept reviewing and asking questions of each other," says Mann.

No one knew what to expect. Olin's eldest granddaughter, 12-year-old Sharon Oegerle, wondered what it would be like to see her granddad with a stranger. "It was kind of weird," she said. When Sallie rented a videotape for Sharon and a girlfriend, Sharon expected they'd end up watching something babyish like Teletubbies. Instead, Mann brought them Clueless, a winner in Sharon's eyes.

A new stepgrandparent needs to be patient in building a relationship with a child, and Klopfer recommends finding a special role. Cheryl and Robert Jones of Oklahoma City are recent stepgrandparents of two boys, five and seven. "It had been a long time since I was around children," Cheryl admits, "and there's a lot about dealing with them that I had forgotten." Since the elder boy is interested in computers, she quizzes colleagues at work about the best websites for kids. When he visits her, they explore the sites together.

For Sara Miller McCune, 58, of Santa Barbara, Calif., "stepgrandparenting was a special process where love was learned, not born." After the 1990 death of her husband, she continued a stepgrandparenting tradition of more than two decades. She spent three days last year traveling in Britain with one of her four stepgrandchildren, Samantha Sarvat, 18. Says Samantha: "I never saw my grandmother laugh so hard or look so happy." That's the main thing: the blended family offers stepgrandparents an opportunity to play a unique role, in which all share in the rewards.

--With reporting by JeanneDeQuine/Miami, Maureen Harrington/Denver, Anne Moffett/Washington, Chandrika Narayan/Dallas and Megan Rutherford/New York

With reporting by JeanneDeQuine/Miami, Maureen Harrington/Denver, Anne Moffett/Washington, Chandrika Narayan/Dallas and Megan Rutherford/New York