Reunion Rules

By Amy Dickinson

I have been to only one family reunion, a weekend affair on the beautiful farm of one of my favorite aunties. The setting was perfect, with plenty of games, food and swimming. I was primed for a fabulous party, and then I noticed that my relatives were showing up. I remember pulling up to the reunion in a rental car, looking at the gathering clan and thinking, "What are they doing here?" So first a warning: if you attend a family reunion, there is every likelihood that you will see your family there.

That includes wacky Uncle "Pull my finger" Bud. "You've gained weight!" he'll say by way of greeting. You will engage in long conversations with people you've never met, about people you'll never meet.

You will be asked repeatedly about your divorce. You will spend hours trying to figure out the difference between a first cousin once removed and a second cousin. You will feign interest in opera, NASCAR and gun collecting. You will, in all probability, have a wonderful time.

Some 200,000 extended families are clogging state parks and V.F.W. halls this summer, according to Reunion Research, a San Francisco-based resource. Because of the competition for venues and to give participants time to schedule their vacations, you should get started now if you're planning a reunion for next summer. Two useful resources are Reuniontips.com and Reunionsmag.com Specialized reunion source books available in the public library provide tips on getting started, including help in finding distant relatives.

While my aunt's farm provided a lovely backdrop for our family's reunion, many planners suggest that sticky problems over "ownership" of the reunion can be averted if you choose a site on neutral ground--an attractive location equally convenient to most of the clan. As many relatives as possible should be enlisted in putting on the show, whether to cook or deliver a toast.

Children should be entertained with plenty of softball games, relay races and water-balloon tosses. Older kids can be recruited to help. "Remember," reunion professional Edith Wagner counseled me, "happy kids make for happy parents and grandparents." Children should be prepared to have their cheeks pinched repeatedly and to be told that they look exactly like ancestors who died decades ago.

My family reunion actually went very well, although at times it seemed more like a Shriners' convention. I especially remember getting to know an elderly woman who was so fabulous, I couldn't believe we were related. (Later I learned we weren't.) Best of all, I found that some of my most obvious flaws, like my Groucho Marx eyebrows and perennial bad attitude, clearly are genetic. I shared this observation with a similarly afflicted cousin, and we both admitted that we felt relieved.

Tom Ninkovich, founder of Reunion Research, reminded me that at a reunion, we are participating in the ongoing story of our family. Bring scrapbooks, letters and photo albums to share, as well as old uniforms or artifacts used by ancestors. Take lots of pictures, and talk to everyone you can, especially those distant relations on the shady side of the family tree. At a minimum, you'll have something to gossip about later. But be on your best behavior, because they're sure to gossip about you too.

See our website at time.com/personal for more on planning your family reunion. You can e-mail Amy at timefamily@aol.com