Love for Strangers

By Michael Lemonick

I have no statistics on this, but conversations with friends and dozens of person-on-the-street interviews I saw and heard last week convince me that a lot of Americans felt a sense of personal loss at the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. Their grief was palpable and clearly genuine. Yet I couldn't help wondering how many would have reacted this way to the death of a relative. A mother or father, sure. But what about Uncle John, who lives across town; or Cousin Tara, who moved to another state; or even Grandma, whom we see once or twice a year, from the other side of the country?

For many of us, the concept of family is a lot narrower than it used to be. Today children go away to college, and take up careers wherever opportunity seems greatest. So instead of growing up in an extended family, with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins involved in our day-to-day lives, many of us are truly connected only to our parents and siblings. Many kids today know little of the lives of relatives outside the nuclear family, and don't care deeply about them.

Whether we're aware of it or not, this estrangement creates a void. "People have an inherent need to feel connected," says Joy Browne, a clinical psychologist and nationally syndicated talk-show host. "And they'll do it in whatever ways are easiest for them." When family members are distant, what could be easier than forming a connection to celebrities--especially glamorous, public-spirited ones like the Kennedys?

This sort of false intimacy isn't new, of course. People wept when Rudolph Valentino died in 1926 and when the Lindberghs lost their baby in 1932. It's natural and in most ways harmless to identify with the famous. But today's combination of busy lives, fragmented families and saturation media coverage of celebrities means this is the only intimacy many of us experience outside our immediate family. And that's unhealthy, because these celebrity relationships are not two-way.

For that, we need to stay connected to our own families. Elsewhere on this page, we report that older Americans who attend weekly religious services live longer than those who do not--a result of the "social support" they get, say researchers. I'll bet the researchers would find similar benefits among those who get support from extended families. We'll never turn back the clock to keep families from scattering. But parents can help by telling their kids stories about their grandparents, aunts and cousins, and by keeping the relatives informed of the kids' latest activities and interests.

Technology can encourage more frequent, more casual contact. It's no chore to dash off an e-mail to Granddad. Inexpensive new machines like Cidco's Mailstation ($149 at cidco.com allow anyone who can use a phone to enjoy e-mail. And computer-top video cameras like Logitech's Quickcam ($100 at quickcam.com can turn your desktop into a virtual video telephone.

Better yet, take a vacation with members of your extended family--and not at anyone's home. A week or so of relaxed interaction can be a great way to tune up family ties. And when tragedy happens, there's no substitute for family. Because no matter how much we cry for the Kennedys, they can't be there to cry for us.

E-mail Michael at timfamily2@aol.com For more ideas on staying connected to family, visit our website at time.com/personal