It's Only a Game!

By Amy Dickinson

My 11-year-old cousin Nathan is a sports fiend. On the basketball court or soccer field, he is a study in gravity-defying grace. He can cite volumes of baseball trivia and knows the rule book by heart. But like any kid his age, he is still learning how to play well with others. Nathan has struggled to accept losses without blaming his teammates or coaches or the officials, and to win without gloating.

Go to one of the estimated 10,000 Little League baseball games playing somewhere in the country tonight, and you'll see thousands of Nathans and Jennies striving to master not only their athletic skills but also the ethics of sportsmanship. You'll also see parents trying--and some who need to try harder--to balance their nurturing instincts with their thirst for victory.

This can be especially hard for those of us who played competitive sports. (I attended college partly on a field-hockey scholarship, and still find myself trying to correct in others the mistakes I made in games 20 years ago.) We sit on lawn chairs yelling helpful instructions to our kids and their coaches. And at night we go to bed wondering if we can pinpoint the moment when we became our dads.

So how can we do it right? How do you teach your child to be good at sports and be a good sport too? My favorite authority on this subject is John McCarthy, 30, a former minor-league pitcher with the Baltimore Orioles organization who in 1992 returned to Washington, his hometown. He has since taught baseball to thousands of local children through his Home Run Baseball camp and to a high-spirited team of disadvantaged kids to which he donates his time at an inner-city elementary school.

McCarthy's first play is to throw out the score book. He introduces young players to the basic skills, and simple joy, of playing baseball. He tells them stories from his days as a pro, about the qualities--concentration, persistence, generosity, humor--that produce great ballplayers and good people.

McCarthy believes parents should encourage young children to play sports for enjoyment of the game. The focus should be on steady improvement of their skills and teamwork rather than on wins or batting averages.

Parents and coaches, McCarthy says, should show no interest in the score but should cheer kids for their hustle and perseverance. Teammates should be expected to praise each other publicly.

I would add that we parents can help our kids and their coaches by shouting from the sidelines only to applaud and encourage them--instead of, say, demanding a shift in the outfield. We should thank the umpires after games and teach our kids that the bad calls and good calls even out--in sports as in life. Similarly, we should help them see that, in sports as in life, they will sometimes play well and lose, or play poorly and win. So the only sensible goals are to have fun and improve their skills.

Rather than turn kids' sports into object lessons in doing "whatever it takes to win," we parents should consult Rudyard Kipling (no New Age softy, he). In his classic poem If, Kipling wrote, "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,/and treat those two imposters just the same...you'll be a man, my son." Or a fine young woman. And, what's more, a good sport.

Check time.com/personal for more on youth sports and sportsmanship. You can send Amy an e-mail at timefamily@aol.com