Me and Mr. Smith

By Joel Stein

I don't know much about politics, but it seems to be a pet interest of many of the people I work with. So to fit in, I decided to half-listen during story meetings. The most interesting thing I learned is that candidates hire joke writers. Mark Katz, who is responsible for President Clinton's jokes, makes a good living doing this. I realized this is finally my opportunity to serve my country. If I could make the next year and a half a little more entertaining, I could die a patriot. Or at least make some extra money.

I called Katz for advice, and we decided I should latch onto the campaign of Bob Smith, the ultra-conservative Senator from New Hampshire, who is such a long shot that he didn't even garner the endorsement of the other ultra-conservative Senator from New Hampshire. While Smith holds absolutely none of the same views I have (except that there should be a fifth branch of the military, "the Space Force"), Katz and I determined that Smith was the only one likely to return my calls.

I also called Al Franken, who contributes jokes to various Democratic Senators. I asked Franken how much I should ask to get paid. "If you're doing it for Bob Smith, charge as much as you can and then write really bad jokes," he said. But I told him I wanted to be good at politics and not let policy get in my way. He agreed. "Suddenly everyone will take notice of how funny Bob Smith is, and then you can jump onto a bigger campaign. You just have to wait until after the New Hampshire primary, when he'll drop out." Franken also gave me some advice on finding the political-humor sweet spot. "I would find out if he's willing to do self-deprecating jokes, because if he isn't, I don't know what you're going to write," Franken said.

Smith, it turned out, was badly in need of a joke writer. The line he keeps using in speeches is, "We have a character in the White House; what we need is someone with character in the White House." This was going to be easy money.

So I called Smith-for-President campaign headquarters and offered my services. The next day I got Smith's campaign manager, Ed Corrigan, on the phone and read him my best jokes, which included:

--I understand Bush and Dole have an advantage because of their name recognition. But, I say, "there must be someone you know named Smith."

--Until I noticed my initials, I said there was too much B.S. in Washington.

--After I brought a plastic fetus to the Senate to illustrate a point about abortion, a lot of people asked me where they could buy their own plastic fetus. And, no, you cannot rip them out of the wombs of plastic mothers.

Corrigan did not laugh at any of these. But I told him to picture funnyman Smith delivering these zingers, and Corrigan would be crying on his overstarched shirt. This he laughed at.

He got Senator Smith on the phone, who informed me he didn't need my help. "Given all the people I have to hire, I don't think I can afford a joke writer," he said. "I think I need a fund raiser before a joke writer." So for now, Smith is going to continue writing his own gags. I'm going to refocus my efforts on the next most likely candidate. And I've got some Quayle jokes he's just going to love.