You've Got Male!

By Anita Hamilton

O.K., I admit it. Like many single women, I've scanned the wedding announcements in the Sunday paper, wondering when I might find Mr. Right. So when I read the article about the happy couple who met through the online personals--she, an attractive editor; he, a saxophone-playing businessman--I was more than a little intrigued. Maybe online meetings weren't just a plot device for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. If seemingly normal people could find their soul mates on the Web, why couldn't I?

To find out, I logged on to Yahoo Personals personals.yahoo.com) At first I thought I had discovered dating Nirvana; there were thousands of men in Manhattan alone who had posted ads looking for everything from "alternative life-styles" (read: kinky sex) to long-term relationships. The detailed search options on age, race, religion or any key word practically let me design my ideal virtual lover from scratch. Soon I was exchanging e-mail with an Argentine physicist who said he loved to tango. After a whirlwind 10-day e-mail affair, I knew we had to meet.

It was a disaster. It wasn't that he looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon or that we had nothing to talk about, but it was horribly uncomfortable. Our online exchanges had been about deep stuff: Did I believe in God? What did dreams of death mean? But in person, that connection evaporated, and I found myself face-to-face with a stranger who knew way too much about me. It was downright creepy.

I've since learned that I'm not the only one who has been disappointed by the false sense of e-mail intimacy. "You end up telling all these really personal things," says Ed, a 32-year-old Web producer, who frequents Swoon swoon.com) a fun, free site that mixes dating advice, horoscopes and celebrity gossip with its personal ads. "It's draining when you realize how different people are from what they project online."

Of course, it's possible to meet someone online, but it's just as tough as the old, analog ways. Consider Match.com a $90-a-year service that boasts that 1,300 of the 1.4 million people who have registered since 1995 have married. Sounds impressive until you realize that the chance of finding a match made in heaven is less than 1 in 1,000. I got dozens of responses to my ad on Yahoo (which is free), but most contenders were less appealing than the last-call crowd at a singles bar. A startling number of men thought the most important thing for me to know was their waist size or the precise angle of their hairline. And there was the guy who directed me to his personal website, filled with pin-up shots, including one of him in the buff. Charming.

The folks at Traffic Gems, a service launched last fall, offer a novel alternative. For $10 a month, members receive in the mail a shiny car decal that lists their screen name and the address trafficgems.com The idea is that other people stuck in traffic may think you/your car look cool, jot down your screen name, then go home and send you a message. It may be an open invitation for stalkers, but it makes a point. "When you meet someone online, first you fall in love with your mind, then your senses get involved," says co-founder Bill Kostyan. "Traffic Gems starts with the senses. We bring back reality."

If you're considering online dating this Valentine's week, the best approach is to go slow. No matter how seductive someone's e-mail may be, you don't know much about him (or her) until you meet in the flesh. Also, think about safety. Don't give out your full name, employer or address until you feel comfortable with the person. Last, meet in a public place and confide the location and time to a friend. Not only can your pal check that you got home safely, but you'll have someone to laugh with about it all afterward.

See timedigital.com for more about online dating. Questions for Anita? You can e-mail her at afhtime@aol.com