Antichrist Like Me

By Joel Stein

As a Jewish child, I was encouraged to consider a lot of professions: oncologist, anesthesiologist, radiologist, cardiologist, even proctologist--though that wasn't highly recommended. But Antichrist, from what I recall, wasn't mentioned at all. So when Jerry Falwell declared at a conference of Evangelicals that the Antichrist was a living Jewish male, I was disgusted. I mean, Falwell had to be the laziest preacher alive. He's all talk, no action. What was he so busy with that was more important than finding the Antichrist? Fixing the Y2K bug? Eating doughy fried foods? Let's find him, Jer, and make his little Jewish head spin like a dreidel. I was pumped.

The first person I decided to investigate was me, mostly because I was right there. The Antichrist, Falwell explained later, was Jewish because he was going to seem a lot like Christ, probably between 23 and 33 years old. Check. Also, not long ago, I had long flowing hair much like Jesus'. And though, like many Jews, my carpentry skills are weak, I recently learned to spackle. As far as turning the other cheek, in my one fight, in 11th grade, I kind of just stood there while a guy punched me in the face. Jesus had some kind of relationship with a hooker; I had seen Pretty Woman. Eerie.

The Antichrist has "666" on either his forehead or his right hand. It turns out that the hair on my right hand, if you squint at it as if it were one of those 3-D posters, spells out "666." Even scarier, the Sybiline Oracles say the Antichrist will become a popular world leader who secretly harbors sympathy for the devil--a song I own on CD by both the Rolling Stones and Jane's Addiction. And a Polish website states he will be "wonderfully clever, talented and beautiful to look at." Eerie.

Most of me hoped I was not the Antichrist, partly because it sounded antisocial, but mostly because it seemed like hard work. Leading the world? Uniting countries? Taking on Christ? I'll stick to asking celebrities if they'll sleep with me, thank you.

But a small part of me hoped I was. Because I would definitely be the center of attention at my high school reunion. "Yeah, Keri, I like it. There's a lot of paperwork, but mostly it's making speeches, erasing borders and working on my butt-kicking moves for the big Christ fight. Here's my card, babe. Call me."

Thinking of myself as the Antichrist was empowering. When an editor gave me a deadline, I thought, "I'll give you a deadline, honey--Armageddon." At restaurants I'd eat food off my friends' plates. This wasn't specifically mentioned in Revelation, but I was interpreting.

But after some thought, I figured the real Antichrist was probably well on his way to world domination. Possibly in the field of arts and entertainment or usury. I considered Ben Stiller, but the Antichrist is supposed to unite the world, and Stiller can't even open a major film by himself. That left me with Jon Stewart (too short), David Schwimmer (too Jewish, even for this part) and Adam Sandler. Yes, Adam Sandler. The actor who somehow got more than 20 million people to see The Waterboy. The guy who captured America with a character who rhymed words ending in -tion. Wasn't a man who slugged Bob Barker just one small step from jumping Christ in an alley? So, Jer, let's bag Sandler. And if we're wrong, at least he won't make any more films.