Notebook

By Kathleen Adams, Harriet Barovick, M.M. Buechner, Tam Gray, Daniel Levy and Joel Stein

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

SCOTT RITTER The Marine who came in from the heat keeps getting to say those three sweet words, "Told you so"

MSNBC To vent about custody, O.J. dialed these guys. Makes you kinda miss Monica

FURBY The hottest and most impossible to find toy this Christmas. Elmo who?

[& LOSERS]

WEBB HUBBELL The eternal whipping boy indicted (again). Even his name sounds like trouble

BRAD PITT He plays Death in a new movie; critics say he'll have a similar effect on the audience

BUDDY The First Pooch is accused of biting a Marine's hand. Expect a subpoena from Starr

REAL NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK THAT COULD BECOME PLOTS FOR ADAM SANDLER'S NEXT MOVIE

The Waterboy opened to a critical drubbing and the highest three-day box office of any nonsummer movie in history. It seems Sandler's films need neither credible plot, big-name co-stars nor production values. He just needs new ideas. Perhaps this week's headlines can help:

--A 58-year-old billiards player was dropped from Japan's team for next month's Asian Games after he tested positive for a banned muscle-building drug. (Suggested co-star: Pat Morita)

--Airline pilots in Germany asked their employers to start offering nicotine gum to stop smoking passengers from having an attack of "airrage" during long flights. (Suggested co-star: wrestler Steve Austin)

--Russians who had the same names as respected candidates in St. Petersburg's city-council elections were paid to run for office to split the vote for their namesakes. (Suggested co-star: Baby Spice)

--Scientists announce they have fused human cells with cow's eggs and created a hybrid cell. (Suggested co-star: Elsie)

HAVE WE GOT A JOB FOR YOU

Newt Gingrich, Al D'Amato and Isaac Mizrahi have all recently found themselves out of a job. And if Ken Starr ever finishes his investigation, he may be too. We asked some headhunters to suggest new careers they could pursue.

HEADHUNTER MICHAEL WESSEL Spectra International

GINGRICH Sales Assistant. "He'd do well in a grocery department. He squeezes produce well"

STARR Bureaucrat. "He'd be good as a loss-prevention specialist, ferreting out dishonest employees"

MIZRAHI Sales Manager. "I see him running the Martha Stewart department in K Mart"

D'AMATO P.R. for George Steinbrenner. "He has to practice a soothing way of dealing with people, or he wouldn't last long"

[HEADHUNTER] DENNIS SPRING Spring Associates, Inc.

[GINGRICH] P.R. Adviser. "To a company that teaches clients how to deal with hostile media"

[STARR] Spokesman. "We'd hook him up with a shoe-polish corporation...to make the hobby cool among American youth"

[MIZRAHI] Uniform Consultant. "We think Isaac could lend a substantial 'cool' factor to fast-food-delivery companies like Domino's Pizza"

[D'AMATO] Spokesman. "Al's known for being something of a ham--we'd get him an endorsement deal with Boar's Head"

[HEADHUNTER] HOLLY FITZGERALD Fitzgerald Associates International Inc.

[GINGRICH] Funeral Director. "Because then he could be in charge of the dead like he was with the G.O.P."

[STARR] Sheriff of Mayberry. "Except he'd have to get along with people"

[MIZRAHI] Pro Wrestler. "He'd get a free wardrobe, but he'd need an interest in politics"

[D'AMATO] New Host of Politically Incorrect. "But he'll need to develop a wider vocabulary than 'putzhead'"

WOMEN IN UNIFORM

SHORTS OR TINIES? It seems the International Volleyball Federation, which regulates indoor volleyball, is tired of being the dowdy sister to beach volleyball. The federation's new uniform standards went into effect this month. Women's shirts "must follow the body line," say the regulations. And women's shorts "must be tight in waist and length," with a maximum inseam of 5 cm and "cut in at least a 30[degrees] angle toward the top of the leg." No ruling on tans, yet.

RETHINK

BE PREPARED, PART 11 If the only historical artifacts of the 20th century were the 11 Boy Scout handbooks--issued from 1910 to last week--it would be remembered as an era in which the square knot retained its central importance. Chivalry, woodcraft and "duck-on-a-rock," on the other hand, made way for low-impact camping, Internet etiquette and self-defense from sexual abuse. The new book is printed in color on recycled paper, and it, alas, no longer offers such wise saws as "all trainers know that smoking is bad for the wind."

NUMBERS

54,908 Number of merger-related job cuts during the first 10 months of 1998

37,033 Number of merger-related jobs lost during all of 1997

$198,000,000 Combined increase in the value of the stock owned by the CEO of Travelers and the chairman of Citicorp, after the announcement that the companies were merging

$9 IPO price for stock in the Internet company theglobe.com

$63.50 Where the stock closed on its first day of trading, valuing the firm at $691 million

$5.8 million Amount the company lost in the first six months of 1998

70 Percentage of malls that Santa will have gone to by the end of this week

12,000 Number of calls FAO Schwarz mail order has received a day inquiring about the Furby, this year's most popular toy

1.3 million Number of Furbys shipped to stores

Sources: Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc., Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones News Service, International Council of Shopping Centers, FAO Schwarz, Tiger Electronics

FRIGHT WRITE

BEATS WRITING ABOUT MOLECULES Nothing like a newly discovered dinosaur to get those science writers' juices up. According to which publication you read, Suchomimus tenerensis was:

"[a] creature with a long thin snout like a crocodile, thick legs like tree trunks, huge curved claws like meat hooks..." --San Francisco Chronicle

"...the size of a city bus with 16-in., hook-shaped thumb claws and a snout like a mutant crocodile..." --Washington Post

"[a] giant with a crocodile's face and powerful Popeye-like forearms...sporting a huge, sail-like, bony structure growing out of its back and deadly, 16-in., stiletto-sharp thumb claws..." --Chicago Tribune

"[a dinosaur with] hypertrophy of both the premaxilla and the anterior ramus of the maxilla...and has prominent epipophyses for muscle attachments. The neural spines increase in height rapidly in the middorsal vertebrae, forming a low median sail that is deepest over the sacral vertebrae." --Science