People

By Michele Orecklin

ROYAL PAIN

He has just turned 50, has yet to get a real job, is supported by his parents, has a failed marriage, and his mother apparently doesn't like his current girlfriend. If ever a man had cause for a mid-life crisis, it's PRINCE CHARLES. Even his birthday parties were fraught. On Friday, the Queen threw her boy a gala to which she invited 800 people, but not Camilla Parker Bowles. On Saturday, Parker Bowles had a party from which the Queen was conspicuously absent. Never mind. To prove, perhaps, he was a real nifty 50, Charles last week launched his own website, featuring texts of his speeches since 1968 and a description of the official Prince of Wales emblem. (Goshers!) The only cry for help may be in the first line of the site's bio: "The Prince of Wales' title, though ancient, carries no established or formal role."

ON HIS PLANET, HE'S FOXY

Is Academy Award-winning actor F. MURRAY ABRAHAM destined to be Mr. Roarke? Both hosts of Fantasy Island, Ricardo Montalban and Malcolm McDowell, have also played villains in Star Trek movies. Now Abraham has donned the latex for Star Trek: Insurrection. He plays Ru'afo, an alien Peter Pan. "Ru'afo's like so many of us who never want to grow old," says the actor, "but he takes it to terrible extremes, like some of these awful face-lifts you see in Hollywood." His own facial regimen--four hours of makeup daily--did have its perks: "Being really ugly can be a great way to pick up women."

DOES PAVAROTTI ACT?

Have we learned nothing from William Shatner? Danny DeVito, Michael Keaton and Jennifer Love Hewitt have all earnestly recorded songs for the sound tracks of their new movies:

[Danny DeVito]

SONG TITLE/MOVIE TITLE They Can't Take That Away from Me/Living Out Loud

MOST LIKELY TO BE APPRECIATED BY Rhea Perlman

MOST MISLEADING ENDORSEMENT "He gives Sinatra a run for his money." --Richard LaGravenese, the film's director

THE FILM & SINGING HAVE IN COMMON They're underwhelming

[Michael Keaton]

[SONG TITLE/MOVIE TITLE] Frosty the Snowman/Jack Frost

[MOST LIKELY TO BE APPRECIATED BY] People who bought their own copies of Mr. Mom

[MOST MISLEADING ENDORSEMENT] "He's a pretty good blues artist." --Troy Miller, the film's director

[THE FILM & SINGING HAVE IN COMMON] They're curious

[Jennifer Love Hewitt]

[SONG TITLE/MOVIE TITLE] How Do I Deal/I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

[MOST LIKELY TO BE APPRECIATED BY] Teenage boys watching the song's video with the sound turned off

[MOST MISLEADING ENDORSEMENT] "I think people will be surprised she can really sing." --David Foster, the song's producer

[THE FILM & SINGING HAVE IN COMMON] They're scary

THE HEMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES

He made his career playing cretins and imbeciles, yet, dammit, WOODY HARRELSON is a marketing genius. Realizing that Los Angeles is exactly the sort of place where people will pay top dollar for something free and plentiful, he opened O2, an oxygen bar, which offers patrons a mouthful of oxygen-enriched air for $13 a hit (laced with lemon or lime, it costs an extra $2). Brilliant as it is, it's not as good an idea as the SunSpot, a round towel on which beach goers could rotate themselves to remain in the sun's direct light throughout the course of the day. Sadly, the towels never caught on, nor did the all-hemp suit Harrelson had designer Giorgio Armani create for the 1997 Oscars. Undeterred, Harrelson unveiled the Headwaters Hiker earlier this year, the first in a line of environment-friendly footwear made entirely from hemp. Wearers should note that "mistakenly" smoking your shoe is illegal in all 50 states.