Friends Matter

By MEGAN RUTHERFORD

Sandi Ann Woods' welcome to America was so ugly that eight years later it remains seared into her memory. In 1989 Sandi, only 9, immigrated with her mother to New York City from the British West Indies. At her new school, where she arrived dressed in shabby clothes, her hair braided unfashionably, another nine-year-old girl, without provocation, announced that she hated her--and punched her. "My esteem was so low," says Sandi, now a vivacious 17-year-old high school senior, "I used to cry every night."

It would have been small comfort to Sandi to know she was not alone. Children of every age cry themselves to sleep over rebuffs, both physical and emotional, suffered at the hands of their peers. Some of the tears--as well as the acts of cruelty that provoke them--are as inevitable and as fleeting as growing pains. And parents want to believe their love can wipe away the rest. But a series of recent books has roiled the waters and caused parents to wonder anew whether they can ward off the ill effects of getting in with "the wrong crowd"--or becoming an outcast.

Perhaps most controversial is The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris, who asserts that relationships with peers--not parents--determine how children turn out. No less alarming is "Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?" by Hara Estroff Marano, who reports that peer rejection puts children at risk for dropping out, teen pregnancy, drugs, criminality and mental-health problems.

While Harris argues that there is little parents can do to mitigate the influence of other kids, Marano insists that parents can inoculate their children by giving them a solid grounding in social skills and helping them handle problems effectively when they arise. Teachers, psychologists and kids themselves tend to side with Marano and against the theory of powerlessness proposed by Harris. Parents are vital to a child's social well-being, they insist, and they offer lots of ideas about how parents can boost a child's success with peers.

FAMILIES ARE MODELS

"Whatever kind of relationships children have already established with their family," observes Linda Jones, who has taught nursery and elementary school in New York City for 23 years, "they'll try to re-create with their peers." Kids are drawn to children who are "helpful, kind, sharing, giving, cooperative and responsive to distress," says Marano. Ruthellen Josselson, co-author of Best Friends, an in-depth examination of girls' and women's friendships, advises, "If parents themselves have friends in a visible way so that it seems like a normal, important part of life to their children, that's a positive influence." Josselson adds, "Anything parents can do to make opportunities for their children to be with other children is good." That's particularly important for only children.

TALK ABOUT IT

"Often young children have a feeling, but no words for that feeling," says Jones. "So the first level is to help them build an emotional vocabulary that has some breadth." When disputes do arise, parents can help kids negotiate a resolution. "You have to allow the children to see the other child's perspective. Seeing someone else's side is at the heart of social competence," says Marano. "Let the kids come up with the solution. That way they're motivated to stick to it."

Making a habit of discussing relationships has enduring benefits. "If you start when your children are in day care, you'll find they actually insist on talking to you as they get older," says Jan Allen, associate professor of child and family studies at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. "Don't wait until they're teenagers; then it may seem like you're suspicious or distrustful, and it feels intrusive to them." Important in all discussions, no matter what the child's age: be respectful of the feelings that are expressed, even if they differ from your own.

Once children enter school, parents' influence does not evaporate. For starters, parents can often choose what school their child attends. Any school can be a jolt, however. "Three-year-olds say to other three-year-olds, 'You can't come to my party.' That means, 'You do what I want you to, or I'm going to reject you,'" says Jones. "Rebuffs are a fact of life, so it's crucial to acknowledge a child's hurt feelings," says Marano. "But it's equally crucial to tell a child to try again."

WALLFLOWERS, BULLIES AND VICTIMS

Kids with social problems generally fall into these three categories. "Often it helps to have the shy child relate to a slightly younger child," says Diane McClellan, professor of early-childhood education at Governors State University in Illinois. "With a younger child, your child can gain confidence, learn social skills and take the lead." If a youngster doesn't have a lot of friends because she's interested in science, say, and the other girls are into makeup, parents can enroll her in a class at the local natural-history museum to increase her odds of finding a kindred spirit. "It takes only one friend," says Josselson, "to make the difference between feeling isolated and feeling connected to someone in the world."

More troubling than shyness is bullying, which can take both physical and verbal forms. "Some kids have energy levels such that they act without thinking," says Jones. "I teach them strategies to slow down so they don't act impulsively because they don't actually want to hurt people." Some do want to hurt, however, because they have been hurt--or feel they have been. Many bullies are unable to read emotions accurately, says Marano, so they misinterpret other people's behavior, perceiving intentional provocation where none exists. Their response: revenge.

How to reform a bully? It takes time, warns Marano. Explain to your child that bullying harms both the victim ("It hurts") and the perpetrator ("Maybe that's why you don't have a lot of friends"). Help him work out conflicts when they occur. Coach him to read emotions in other people--and himself. Work out strategies he can use to calm his anger. Teach him how to apologize when he loses it. Applaud his attempts to master his aggression. Use appropriate discipline consistently. Establish a climate in which bullying is not tolerated.

For every bully, there is a victim. "Make sure your children are part of a social network," says SuEllen Fried, co-author of Bullies & Victims. "That way their friends will stand up for them." Sign the victim up for self-defense classes to confer an air of self-assurance. Demand school-wide discussions about bullying.

Sometimes therapeutic intervention is warranted. Elisa Guinn sees her childhood tormentor every day at Colorado State University in Fort Collins. "She doesn't even know who I am," says Elisa, 19. "But I'll never forget her." No wonder. In elementary school, she and four other kids teased and humiliated Elisa, then "a little nerd" who wore glasses and wept every day out of loneliness. What turned Elisa's life around in fifth grade was an after-school program run by therapist Craig Knippenberg. "Elisa needed to work on being more assertive. We did a lot of problem solving with others in the group to help her," recalls Knippenberg. "Some kids were snapping towels in her swim class, so I taught her how to do it too." Elisa never had to use that particular skill, but the support she got from the group has endured. Says Elisa: "I still think about Craig when I've had a bad day."

THE DARK AGE

So long as children confide in their parents, problems can be discerned and addressed. Even the chattiest children, however, have a way of becoming mute as they enter adolescence. Being hospitable helps parents monitor kids' relationships. "Always have their friends in," says Georgia State University counseling professor Roy Kern. "Look them over." Don't stop with the friends; get acquainted with the friends' parents too.

You can't handpick your older child's friends, but you can steer your son or daughter toward positive activities. "If they don't meet with success doing good things," says Beverly McDaniel, a counselor at Spring Branch Middle School in Houston, "they'll find something they are successful at--and that could be a gang."

That nearly happened to Michael Ray, an honor-roll student until he moved to a new neighborhood after graduating from elementary school. No sooner did he enroll in Spring Branch Middle School than his grades plummeted. Without his old circle of friends, he hung out with delinquents, misbehaved at school, played hooky, ran away from home. His mother says the school warned her he was on the verge of joining a gang with initiation rites that might include harming one of his younger siblings. The Rays tried family therapy, grounding Michael, rewarding him for good behavior. Nothing seemed to work.

Suddenly, last November, in eighth grade, Michael rebounded. His grades improved, and so did his behavior. The key? He got hooked on skateboarding. "I found something I was good at, and it became an obsession," recalls Michael, now 15. "And skateboarding has brought me new friends."

Solutions won't always be so simple. Parenting has been described as the world's hardest job. It is. The hours are long. The stress is awful. And early retirement isn't an option. But the payoff of seeing your child flourish in a world of friends is pure gold. Don't give up.

--With reporting by Michele Donley/Chicago and Deborah Fowler/Houston, with other bureaus

With reporting by Michele Donley/Chicago and Deborah Fowler/Houston, with other bureaus