Five Finales

By Jamie Malanowski

I.

Cut to airport waiting area. Jerry speaks to Elaine.

Jerry: If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow--but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Elaine: But what about us?

Jerry: We'll always have Monk's.

Elaine: Monk's? The coffee shop?

Jerry: Don't you like their souvlaki?

Elaine: I just thought you'd say something with more--romance.

Jerry: Romance!?! I'd rather sit there and ridicule George and Kramer than have romance any day.

Elaine: I suppose.

Jerry: So--you gonna go with Victor?

Elaine: I dunno...

Jerry: Inside of us, we both know you belong with him. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going.

Elaine: Yeah. (Sighs.)

Jerry: Or we can leave now, and still catch the last showing of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls at Film Forum.

Elaine: Oh, I always wanted to see that! (She glances at the plane, then back to Jerry.) Think he'll find somebody else?

Jerry: Easily. Should we stop and pick up George and Kramer?

Elaine: Round up the usual suspects!

II.

Cut to Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George on the beach in West Egg, staring at the ocean.

Jerry: Jay believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. (Pause.)

Kramer: Think we can still go swimmin' in his pool?

Jerry: They found his body in his pool!

Kramer: It's not in there now.

Jerry: What about the blood?

George: Filters, Jerry! The water'd be clean by now.

Jerry: I don't believe you people! Fine, let's go swimming.

Elaine: Hey, George--still got shrinkage issues?

George: Ya hadda bring that up!

III.

Cut to Jerry and Elaine at the top of the grand staircase.

Jerry: I'm going back to Charleston--where I belong.

Elaine: Please take me!

Jerry: No, I'm through. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Elaine: No! I only know I love you!

Jerry: That's your misfortune. (He heads for the door.)

Elaine: Jerry! Where shall I go? What shall I do? (He opens the door. George and Kramer are standing there.)

Jerry: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Elaine: What about you guys?

Kramer: Oh, I don't give a damn.

George: Me either.

Elaine: Well, I certainly don't give a damn. I only gave a damn because I thought you did.

George: Gee, that puts everything in a whole different light, doesn't it?

Kramer: Let's go back in.

Elaine: Should we order some food?

Jerry: I don't give a damn!

Elaine: Like I do?

Jerry: I love this! Maybe I'll stay!

George: Aw, who gives a damn?

IV.

Cut to Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer atop Pride Rock. At once the animals below bow down and sing.

Singers: It's the circle of life, and it moves us all...

Jerry: Geez, they're bowing and singing! What do they want?

Elaine: They want to see the baby, Jerry! Lift the baby above your head!

Singers: Through despair and hope, through faith and love...

Jerry: How long do I have to do this?

Elaine: A while.

Singers: Till we find our place on a path unwinding...

Jerry: Then what?

Elaine: Then you're the King.

Singers: It's the circle...

Jerry: King of this? There's not even a Starbucks. Let's go.

Elaine: Don't forget the baby.

George: Oh, you can't bring the baby.

Elaine: But...

Kramer: Don't even try it. The animals want the baby. Didn't you see the rhinos?

Jerry: This is no time to get maternal, Elaine.

Elaine: Fine. I'm sure the hyenas'll do a good job raising him.

Singers: The circle of life...

V.

Cut to the ocean. Elaine floats on a piece of paneling. Jerry is clinging to it.

Jerry: You must live, Elaine. Promise me you'll live!

Elaine: I will. And guess what? I've got the diamond.

Jerry: Diamond?

Elaine: The Star of the Ocean. When he gave me his coat, he left it in his pocket!

Jerry: Well, that means--we're rich!

Elaine: Well, it means I'm rich. But you have a rich girlfriend.

Jerry: I thought we'd share everything.

Elaine: That was when you were more successful than I was.

Jerry: I'm going to charge you for this wreckage!

Elaine: No way!

Jerry: Come on, bauble girl, get in the water. It's my turn to float.

Elaine: Get out! Yoo-hoo! Rowboat man! Come on, row through the dead--this man wants to throw me overboard!

Steward: Bounder!

Jerry: She won't share her stolen jewelry with me!

Steward: Now, now, sir. I'll take the young lady aboard, and you wait for help.

Elaine: I'll save you a seat in Monk's.

Jerry: You're buying!