People

By Joel Stein

BUT WILL WE LOVE THEM TOMORROW?

For the past four Aprils, small-minded people have looked at the handsome, talented young actors and actresses on the cover of Vanity Fair's annual Hollywood issue (called that to distinguish it from the many Vanity Fair issues that are about agriculture) and wished that these young deities would stumble either professionally or personally. Small chance: by our calculations, the subjects of the past three Hollywood issues show an 87% chance of stardom and a 0% chance of jail time. This year's group is, from left to right: JOAQUIN PHOENIX, VINCE VAUGHN, NATALIE PORTMAN, DJIMON HOUNSOU, CATE BLANCHETT, TOBEY MAGUIRE, CLAIRE FORLANI, GRETCHEN MOL, CHRISTINA RICCI, EDWARD FURLONG and RUFUS SEWELL.

SPEED BUMP

TIM ALLEN is suing an old man for $12 million, charging him with libel. After reading in the National Enquirer the account of a 71-year-old ex-film librarian named Henry Armstrong in which he described the day he allegedly got run over by Allen and his Ferrari, Allen filed suit, upset that Armstrong's quotes ("He was bleary-eyed and unsteady on his feet, and he never said, 'Sorry.'") made him sound drunk. Armstrong, upset that Allen ran him over, has filed a suit of his own.

Q&A

GERARD DEPARDIEU co-stars in The Man in the Iron Mask.

Q: Bonjour, Gerard Depardieu.

A: Bonjour. Bonjour.

Q: In the movie, Leonardo DiCaprio plays two roles. Wouldn't the film make more money if he just played all the roles?

A: He's a wonderful actor.

Q: Don't you want to beat him up?

A: No. Why? What a strange idea.

Q: Didn't you ever "accidentally" get him while swordfighting?

A: I'm not that kind of guy. That's what journalists do.

Q: You've made 102 films now, but most of them were in French, so not a lot of people saw them. Does that bum you out?

A: No. Why should it?

Q: Your passport says "actor/winemaker." That must work with women.

A: Do you have a problem, love?

Q: A little. You've recorded some albums, so your passport should say "actor/winemaker/singer."

A: Will I be successful with you if I add "singer"?

Q: Avec moi?! No!

A: I thought you were gay. I don't know who told me that.

Q: No. No. No. Not that you're not a very attractive man.

FOSTER CHILD

Most women when they're pregnant don't announce the impending blessed event by saying, "Yes, I'm pregnant. I couldn't be happier. But no, I'm not going to discuss the father, the method or anything of that nature." But that's how JODIE FOSTER, 35, announced her upcoming motherhood to columnist Liz Smith. The baby is due in September; Foster will meanwhile keep busy as a producer; her company, Egg Pictures, is currently incubating three pictures.