People

By Joel Stein

MALIBU BREAKUP

Though rocker TOMMY LEE's alleged beating of his wife PAMELA was shocking--theirs had been a love unusually well documented--it may have been foretold by his stomach, which is tattooed with the word MAYHEM. Lee's injuries included a bloody broken nail and red welts on her back. She says her husband (who is not only on parole but is also up on other charges) has a history of domestic violence. He made bail but was ordered to stay away from home. She intends to prosecute him and has filed, again, for divorce.

NO BIG WHOOP

If reading from the Torah is supposed to make you a man, what does this do? The svelte-again, off-again ANNA NICOLE SMITH attended a bar mitzvah at a Beverly Hills hotel, where she walked up to the 13-year-old guest of honor, danced seductively in front of him and instructed, "Touch me. Touch me all over." Although it seemed like a new low in tacky reception entertainment, the former Playboy/Guess? model had in fact crashed the party. Either way, on Monday in homeroom, that boy had to be the man. As for Smith, 30, who battled drug, alcohol and food addiction last year--she was arrested last Friday at a different L.A. hotel, accused of striking an employee.

CITIZEN OF THE WEEK

When OL' DIRTY BASTARD, a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, left his Brooklyn studio on Monday, he was met with the sight of a 4-year-old girl trapped under a 1996 Mustang that had run her over. O.D.B. and several members of his posse rushed to the rescue and helped lift the car off her body; he later visited her while she was recovering in the hospital. Then, at Wednesday's otherwise boring Grammy awards, O.D.B., who had lost an award to Sean ("Puffy") Combs, tried to add some excitement by rushing to the stage, grabbing the mike and proclaiming, "Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best!" To top off his week, the next morning a chastened O.D.B. soulfully apologized.

Q&A

MARLO THOMAS appears in The Real Blonde and is reissuing Free to Be...You and Me.

Q: I had a massive, massive crush on you as a kid. I didn't even know what it meant. I just kind of wanted to be around you. I mean, like, wow! Am I scaring you?

A: No. And now that you're here, what are you going to do about it?

Q: I don't know.

A: That's very sweet. Most of my marriage proposals came from five-year-olds. That was some kind of phenomenon. I was a fantasy female for a lot of little boys.

Q: On Free to Be...You and Me, Carol Channing's voice used to scare the bejesus out of me.

A: It still scares me.

[Diana Ross enters room.]

Diana: Look at you!

Marlo: Look at you! Look at you!

Diana: We should stay in touch. Everyone I know knows you. The girl that does my, uhh, umm--legs.

Marlo: And my nails. We do all the same things.

Diana: Good to see you.

Marlo: Good to see you.

Q: I feel like this is my talk show. My dream talk show.

A: Did you see that Seinfeld where Kramer found the Merv Griffin set? Was that the best?

Q: Well, here's what I'm thinking: What's going on with Phil Donahue's set?

A: I have no idea. You want it? I'll give it to you if it's around.

Q: Thanks. I really just wanted to meet you.