PEOPLE

By Joel Stein

IF A BODY MEET A BODY...

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is, What the heck was he thinking? In 1972 J.D. SALINGER, then 53, read a piece in the New York Times Magazine by JOYCE MAYNARD, 18; he wrote her a letter, invited her to his New Hampshire hermitage and then shacked up with her for nine months. Now Maynard is ready to dissect her relationship with the world's most private writer in an upcoming book. Salinger, meanwhile, doesn't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

LAST ACTION PRESIDENT

On a movie set, there are two tricks to keeping the crew happy: hot food and visits from former heads of state. So BRUCE WILLIS--action hero and hard-core Republican--brought GEORGE BUSH to show-and-tell while shooting his upcoming film Armageddon near Houston. Producer Jerry Bruckheimer said the crew was impressed. Not that Bruce needed a status boost, of course. "I think Bruce has a cool factor," says Bruckheimer, "that goes beyond the fact our ex-President showed up."

DI-PLOITATION WATCH

Topps has come out with a comic book, Princess Diana: Once upon a Time, featuring a busty cartoon Diana.

Q & A

ROBIN WILLIAMS stars in Flubber, a remake of 1961's The Absent Minded Professor.

Q: If you had Flubber, what would you do with it? A: Besides a condom?

Q: That would be the first thing?

A: That would be the gift that keeps on giving. Breast implants are too dangerous for jogging.

Q: How many times did someone walk up to you on set and say, "Flubber? I hardly even know her!"?

A: Eight. Rectum? Never saw him. Thank you. Thank you for playing. It's Fluffer. Fluffer? What movie is that? That would be the adult movie version. Fluffer--watch out. May the goo be with you.

Q: At any point during shooting did you think, "Oh, man, Flubber. How embarrassing"?

A: There's a moment in the movie at the very end.

Q: When it shoots out of the guy's rear end?

A: That's the one where you go, "Yeah, I want that on my resume." The ultimate pina colonic. But when kids see it, they go through the roof. It's a five-minute laugh.

Q: You're the funniest man alive, says ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. Are there a lot of expectations placed on you?

A: Oh, yeah. It's rough. It's like those old western movies. Hit me with a joke. Hey you, Funny Boy. I bet you haven't heard this one.

Q: So, tell us a joke, Funny Man.

A: The only decent ones you can't use. They're too rough, daddy.

FEUD OF THE WEEK

STEVE ("HARVARD GRAD") COZ AGE: 40 HEIGHT: 5 ft. 11 in. WEIGHT: 180 lbs. OCCUPATION: Editor, National Enquirer BEST PUNCH: In an article titled "Martha Stewart Is Mentally Ill," Dr. Leland Heller diagnosed borderline personality disorder. (No, he never met her.)

MARTHA ("GOOD THING") STEWART AGE: 56 HEIGHT: 5 ft. 9 in. WEIGHT: Perfect OCCUPATION: Editor, Martha Stewart Living BEST PUNCH: Martha, who's suing the Enquirer for $10 million, told columnist Liz Smith, "It is not nice to have remarks like that going down about you."

THE WINNER: Martha's good manners. Plus we're not afraid of Coz