THE CELLULOID SENATOR

By Jamie Malanowski

Usually we know politicians by their character. In the case of Fred Thompson, chairman of the Senate committee investigating campaign-finance abuses, we may get insight from his characters. Between 1979 and 1994, Thompson acted in 18 feature films. Some of the lines he had in those movies seem germane to his current work: chairing hearings.

Why have the hearings started slowly?

The operation of government is complex.

John Huang wants limited immunity to testify. What does that mean?

All charges against your boys have been dropped. Dropped, gone, never happened.

That would be a problem if it turned out he really was a spy.

We'd look like real idiots.

If you had a private moment with the President, what would you say?

They tell me you're an outstanding golfer.

No, about his fund-raising operation.

You got your values system all screwed up somewhere along the line.

Could you express that in a Southernism?

This is our country you're messing with.

If you want to turn yourselves into a greasy spot on a country road somewhere, go right ahead... But you two monkeys are not going to do it on my racetrack.

Two monkeys? You mean Gore?

You got it.

Are you going to follow up on the hearings Senator D'Amato held?

He hasn't found anything, Jack... He's not even sure what he heard.

I see. Although the name's not Jack. Hear anything about Paula Jones?

He was found naked in his hotel room.

Wow! Do you expect to call Mrs. Clinton?

I don't think she's interested in destroying her husband.

Regarding your colleague, Senator Glenn...

Legendary pain in the...

What have you said to him?

I'm not going to have this macho-cop competition thing.

We hear Dick Morris wants to help.

You keep him away from the President, away from the White House, and you sure as hell better keep him away from me.

How do the hearings relate to Roswell?

The Air Force gave me a fleet of mothballed F-86s to keep my mouth shut.

Philosophically speaking, what are these hearings about?

This is an investigation, but it's also about helping people caught in the illusions of the past to come to terms with the realities of the present.

So you hope to produce reform.

Otherwise, this whole thing is academic.

Why not propose changes that would eliminate the role of money?

You're asking me to commit political suicide.

Do you enjoy being chairman?

It's a helluva lot better than being bit by a rattlesnake.

But sometimes, at the end of the day, you look like you could use a drink.

I'm putting a booster in the P-38. The strike leader can always use a little extra power.

Will you run for President?

You figure it out.

--By Jamie Malanowski

-Born Yesterday -Flight of the Intruder -Marie -Curly Sue -Days of Thunder -Die Hard with a Vengeance -The Hunt for Red October -Thunderheart -Feds -In the Line of Fire -Aces: Iron Eagle III