MUFTER THE TROOPS!

By Jamie Malanowski

MINUTES OF THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS July 1, 1776

The delegates, defirous of avoiding further hoftilities with His Majefty's Government, appointed a committee to negotiate terms by which Independence might be achieved by peaceable means. The principal negotiator, the Rt. Hon. William Morris of New York, reported that the following terms had been difcussed and are now proposed.

The FORMER BRITISH COLONIES (hereafter, the American States) would hereafter be FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, no longer owing any allegiance to His Majefty's Government, except in the cases mentioned in the provisos following:

First, the AMERICAN STATES would agree to tender no challenge to the United Kingdom's title as PRE-EMINENT ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD POWER for at least 150 years.

Second, they would agree to provide aid and assistance, to come to the relief and to save the United Kingdom in any armed conflict or war sufficiently widefpread or intense to be termed "GREAT" or "WORLD."

Third, the AMERICAN STATES would agree to supply to the people of Great Britain one (1) ACTRESS-CLASS female of sufficient attractiveness to serve as a mistress to His Future Majefty, a Prince of Wales to Be Named Later; one (1) BEAUTEOUS WOMAN of sufficient ambition to serve as the mother of a Future Prime Minister to Be Named Later; and one (1) SKINNY DIVORCEE possessed of sufficient cunning to separate a Diffident Monarch to Be Named Later from his Crown.

Fourth, the AMERICAN STATES would agree to allow any and all subjects of the Crown full access to and freedom to exploit any musical styles created by NEGRO REFIDENTS of the American States, including boogie-woogie, blues, rock 'n' roll, soul and difco. Reciprocally, the United Kingdom grants to the Negro refidents of the American states full access to and freedom to exploit musical styles created by the refidents of SCOTLAND, including reels, flings and dirges, in perpetuity.

Fifth, refidents of the AMERICAN STATES would agree to maintain an unseemly level of DEFERENCE to the members of the royal family and an undue amount of CURIOSITY about their perfonal affairs; and to provide LUCRATIVE ENDORSEMENT OPPORTUNITIES in the field of WEIGHT CONTROL for any former members of the royal family.

Sixth, the subjects of the AMERICAN STATES agree to provide audiences for the JAMES BOND series of films.

[At this point, the presentation was interrupted by a question from the Rt. Hon. Swfty Lazar of Beverly Hillf, who asked if the Bond proviso applied in perpetuity. "The series is obliged to run until the end of time," Mr. Morris replied. "That applief to the girls, the gadgets, the villains, the whole bit."]

Seventh, the AMERICAN STATES would agree to subfidize from tax levies a television network dedicated to the broadcaft of high-toned COFTUME DRAMAS and middlebrow police PROCEDURALS produfed in the British Isles, and to greet with enthufiafm, feigned if necessary, the mufical compofitions of SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER.

Eighth, the AMERICAN STATES agree to reserve to the British people supremacy in the following fields of ATHLETIC ENDEAVOR: golf, tennis and football. (A Committee on Sports Relinquishment counterproposed that instead of supremacy in golf and tennis, Her Majefty's subjects be enfranchised with their own Grand Flam events. "Football they can have," reported the Hon. Jerry Maquire. "Hey, I hold this truth to be self-evident: the shoe money's small. Befides, we can always start our own.")

Ninth, the AMERICAN STATES are obliged to maintain a fascination with really big British luxury OCEAN LINER DISAFTERS, in perpetuity.

Tenth, refidents (particularly of the former colony of New York) agree to the quartering of British subjects (particularly journalists) in their HOMES AND APARTMENTS, to buy them DRINKS AND DINNER and to treat them as insuperably WITTY and endlessly CHARMING, without the expectation of reciprocal hofpitality from counterparts abroad.

Finally, the refidents of the AMERICAN STATES would be obligated to provide a full program of DENTAL CARE, including prevention, replacement and orthodonture, for any and all refidents of the United Kingdom.

The delegates thanked Mr. Morris for his work and proceeded to debate the terms he outlined. While most of the terms were deemed acceptable, the delegates unanimoufly felt that the final proviso would subject the colonies to an outrageously exorbitant and punitively expensive program of oral hygiene, and was therefore onerous and a deal breaker. Authorization was then given for Congress to receive the document being prepared by Messrs. Jefferson, Adams and Franklin, and word was sent to Genl. Washington to mufter the troops.

[Signed,] Jas. Madison, Secy.