FIFTY THINGS TO DO IN 50 DAYS

By WENDY WASSERSTEIN

The following "to do" list was made by Hillary Rodham Clinton on Election Night and found by a White House maid six months later in a box labeled KNICKKNACKS behind the soup pantry. The First Lady has said she has no memory of writing the list, and the President has stood by her statement. A Washington facial masseuse with handwriting similar to the First Lady's is currently under investigation. However, an anonymous source inside the White House claims Mrs. Clinton has been searching for this document since Nov. 5.

1. Merge liberalism and conservatism into a new politics of the millennium.

2. Figure out what the hell the above actually means.

3. Get Tipper Gore's recipe for fat-free chocolate-chip cookies.

4. Be supportive if Chelsea chooses Amherst College over Wellesley.

5. Consider becoming president of Wellesley in 2002.

6. Keep better track of billing records.

7. Read The Rules.

8. Ask the Polish Nobel-prizewinning poet to write 21 love poems for our 21st anniversary.

9. Stop all information leaks from cooks, facial masseuses and travel agents.

10. Get Susan Thomases a birthday gift.

11. Get Susan McDougal a birthday gift.

12. Take Chelsea to the Pyramids.

13. Take Chelsea to Antarctica.

14. Skip the Renaissance Weekend and take Bill to St. Bart's instead.

15. Learn something at age 50--take cello lessons or yoga.

16. Stop competing with Eleanor Roosevelt.

17. Stop competing with Barbra Streisand.

18. Stop memorizing Bill Safire's columns.

19. Sleep late once a month.

20. Study the Talmud.

21. Stop blaming myself for Dick Morris.

22. Investigate an eye lift. Ha!

23. Disclosure! Disclosure! Disclosure!

24. Pick a new favorite children's verse to replace "A great big ugly man came and tied my horse to me." Ogden Nash instead?

25. Try channeling Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale and Emma Goldman.

26. Fix up all my single girlfriends.

27. Go shopping at Prada with Donna Shalala.

28. Stop using phrases like "Okeydokey artichokey."

29. Find out who cuts Diane Sawyer's hair.

30. Consider becoming a redhead.

31. Solve the Rwandan refugee crisis and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

32. Send Kenneth Starr a basket of fruit and the complete works of Camille Paglia.

33. Have lunch with Sonny Mehta. Find out what Knopf would give for autobiography. Be sure to mention Barbara Feinman.

34. Send Arianna Huffington and William Kristol a copy of Tiffany's Table Manners for Teenagers.

35. Go to the movies with Sally Quinn, Maureen Dowd and Tina Brown.

36. Try to laugh next time Newt's mother has an opinion.

37. Consider becoming president of the World Bank in 2002.

38. Practice "the discipline of gratitude." Say thank you to Al D'Amato.

39. Call Nicole Kidman's adoption lawyer.

40. Consider becoming head of the Red Cross in 2002.

41. Keep list of "First Lady Dos and Don'ts" for Tipper Gore.

42. Make a "There's no such thing as other people's children" calendar. Call Hallmark.

43. Fix intercom between the East Wing and West Wing.

44. Find out what Bill meant about my working on welfare reform.

45. Write a very nice letter to Liddy Dole.

46. Write a very nice letter to Bob Dole.

47. Have fun.

48. Stop writing "To Do" lists.

49. Get over my slump.

50. Find out who I really am and celebrate it.