GETTING OVER GETTING STONED

By GARRY TRUDEAU

"Zero! Zero! Zero!" --Bob Dole, describing the amount of tolerance a Dole Administration would have toward drug use

It was a stirring call to arms. The G.O.P. candidate may have sounded like a panicky swabbie alerting the bridge about incoming Japanese fighters, but as wedge issues go, the war on drugs definitely has juice. If the Democrats wanted to take credit for the cascade of positive economic indicators, then they'd have to step up to the new negative drug numbers as well. Smartly reasoned, if you overlooked one tiny detail: a lot of Republicans are under 50.

Why this is a problem was dramatically illustrated when, on the eve of the G.O.P. convention, family values keynoter Susan Molinari, 38, was outed as a former pot user. "Mustang Susan," as she was soon dubbed, quickly trotted out the "youthful-experimentation" defense, an option not available to vice-presidential short-lister Connie Mack, whose shot at the ticket can't have been helped by news that he was still lighting up in his 30s.

Does Dole really want to start down this road? When he excoriates the White House gang who never grew up, who never did anything, he adds, by implication, "except get high." He means to ask voters, How can you expect people who never respected our drug laws to enforce them now? But as Molinari's untimely admission so vividly demonstrates, this is a dangerous game.

By now, 80 million Americans have tried marijuana. That's a lot of people using a substance we all say we abhor. Before we can get any traction on controlling pot (which accounts for most of the rise in teen drug use), the generation that popularized the stuff has got to finally come clean about what made it so alluring in the first place--and then square that with current marijuana policy. A good start might be for every middle-aged public official in America to take the following oath:

Let it be known that I, an educated, middle-class baby boomer, do declare that I have knowingly utilized a delta-9-thc delivery system (hereinafter referred to as "TOKING UP") for the purpose of inducing intoxication. My actions cannot be described as "experimental," as their outcome (hereinafter referred to as "GETTING STONED") was known to me in advance.

I further acknowledge that my memories of TOKING UP are fondly held, particularly as they cross-reference with memories of concurrent sexual activity. It is even possible that I once believed GETTING STONED to be a beneficial experience, teaching tolerance, since it rendered all co-users equally attractive and all rock bands equally talented. I may also have believed that GETTING STONED engendered profound INSIGHTS, which I may have, at least once, attempted to record with a Day-Glo marker on the back of an empty doughnut box (in Molinari's world, this would be known as a "LAB REPORT").

In the alternative, if I did not enjoy GETTING STONED, I admit that my cessation reflected a simple preference for abstinence, rather than any deep moral concerns or a sudden new respect for our nation's drug laws. Moreover, I am not willing to describe my earlier actions, which I knew to be illegal, as "youthful indiscretions" unless I am also prepared to characterize similarly other nonviolent offenses, such as fraud or burglary.

I acknowledge that in the unlikely event that I never tried TOKING UP, I probably attended parties where TOKING UP took place, an activity currently considered criminal in several states.

I further concede that small marijuana transactions were at one time so commonplace that I may have even forgotten being involved in one. In the event that I did sell a friend a single JOINT, I accept that that activity renders me a former DRUG TRAFFICKER, guilty of an offense that is now punishable by several years in prison.

I concede that I once did not view marijuana as dangerous, knowing that it is not physically addictive or lethal. (A fatal dosage would be three-quarters of a ton smoked over a 15-minute period.) Accordingly, I believed marijuana laws to be draconian, a view once shared by Jimmy Carter, Dan Quayle and Richard Nixon's marijuana commission, all of whom favored decriminalization. It was only after my appetite for recreational drugs had abated, and I had produced children whom I did not believe capable of "handling" marijuana as responsibly as I had, that I came to oppose decriminalization. I acknowledge that it was this fear, and not new medical evidence, that caused me to subsequently support mandatory sentencing for other people's children caught emulating the actions of my generation.

To summarize, at one time I possessed, consumed and probably distributed marijuana--activities for which I may feel embarrassment but not guilt. I concede that there is nothing in my actions to distinguish them from the charges on which nearly 4 million Americans have been arrested since 1982.

Finally, I admit that this has not caused me to lose a moment of sleep, except insofar as it has pertained to my career.