ONE BIG FAMILY, STUPID

By CALVIN TRILLIN

The Democrats in 1968 Selected as their place to congregate Chicago, which has always had big shoulders And safely Democratic officeholders. The passing of the years has hardly blurred The wrenching sounds that all who listened heard: Great tumult on the floor, and in the lulls The thwacking of cops' billy clubs on skulls. Obscenities were shouted by the mayor; A sniff of tear gas drifted through the air. But now the smell of victory is strong, So all the warring factions get along With factions that they loved then to disparage: They're bound up in a peaceful, loveless marriage. The party hardly argues any more; It has in fact become an awful bore.

The keynote speaker--nonincendiary-- Brought twice as many kids as Molinari. Yes, Evan Bayh had babies in his coterie, But came off as a Democrat from Rotary. Though Jesse Jackson got to speak a lot, he And Mario, the party's Pavarotti, Got nonprime slots to call out all their tropes-- Competing with not Seinfeld but the soaps. Supporters now of Clinton, both declined To bash him for the welfare bill he signed. Then Hillary held forth with great aplomb: Apparently she's mainly Chelsea's mom. Her husband values every child he meets, Including those the bill puts on the streets. It's family this time, you dumb galoot, Unless it's running hard against poor Newt.

Aboard the Swing State Choochoo, Clinton nears. Then, finally, a juicy scoop appears: Dick Morris may have frolicked with a hooker. The press explodes. The talk shows try to book her. Although the story hardly overwhelms (Can this be worse than what he did for Helms?), The critics say it shows that sleaze pervades The Friends of Bill. Surviving White House aides Who loathe our Dick in varying degrees'll Confide, "We told you so: the man's a weasel." The Prez won't choke; for him this is routine. He'll smoothly give the longest speech we've seen. It's kids, he says. To help the little varmints, He'd pass a laundry list of tiny garments. Hope's back, he says; our future looks tip-top. He hopes himself no other shoe will drop.