By Belinda Luscombe

THE PRINCE AND HIS LAST DUCHESS

Perhaps because royal marriages begin so grandly, their endings always seem a bit pathetic, more fizz than bang. So it was that last Wednesday, 27 reporters and a civilian were the only ones present when the names of SARAH FERGUSON, Duchess of York, and PRINCE ANDREW, Duke of York, were on the list of 29 couples granted a decree nisi (a.k.a. a "quickie divorce") in a three-minute ceremony. The prince was holed up in his navy barracks, and the duchess was smothering her sadness in the snows of Switzerland, accompanied by daughters BEATRICE, 7 and EUGENIE, 6. "Of course, it's sad," she told reporters. Although she added that the duke and she were "the bestest of friends," by all accounts it was she who, after four years of separation, pushed for the divorce. It couldn't have been for money. The $3 million she got was mostly earmarked for the care of the children, leaving her in a nasty debt hole. (She's said to owe at least that.) While this settlement from a son of England's richest family would make American divorce lawyers choke, Andrew isn't that wealthy, earning about $420,000 a year, from which he has to pay his staff. And the public has a lot less sympathy for Fergie than for Diana, partly because of Fergie's carefree, sometimes careless ways (and not least because she let a Texan suck her toes). The duchess has promised not to write a tell-all, but children's books are allowed. All in all, the second divorce among the Queen's children looks to be as amicable as the first. Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips (remember him?) live near each other and, though both remarried, share parenting. Now for that third split ...

USING THE INNER CHILD

Children's book writing is becoming the new arrow in the celebrity quiver. This spring brings the debut of several children's authors, including playwright WENDY WASSERSTEIN, radio host Garrison Keillor and New Age guru MARIANNE WILLIAMSON. Jamie Lee Curtis' and TIM BURTON's next books are due out in the fall; and Julie Andrews (pen name: Julie Edwards) and RICKI LAKE both have publishers expecting manuscripts. Why children's books? "I think it's a boomer thing--a group of people recapturing their youth," says Wasserstein, whose book is about a girl's first theater visit. Plus, they're easier than autobiographies, although the inspiration for most of them is plain. Lake's book is about a fat girl; Burton's is about a boy who pretends to be Vincent Price; and Williamson's title is Emma & Mommy Talk to God. Let's hope Keillor's book isn't too autobiographical. It's about a man who likes really smelly cheese.

MAGIC IN HOT WATER

As anybody who has ever watched Bewitched knows, there's good magic and bad magic. And as anybody who watches basketball knows, there are two types of MAGIC JOHNSON too. Bad Magic is rare, but he showed himself last week when he bumped a referee while questioning a call and was suspended for three games. Good Magic is back again next month with the launch of a new product from Kiehl's, the posh skin-care company. Magic's Elixir, a bubble bath, may seem like a weird product from as macho a guy as Johnson, but in fact he has a custom-made extra-extra-long tub in his home. "When you play like we play, you love to soak," says Johnson. "I like bubbles and the whole thing. That's the fun of taking a bath." Besides, all the profits go to the Magic Johnson Foundation, which dispenses them for AIDS research and education. The scent is reputed to have a soothing effect. Perfect for, say, when you lose your temper with the ref.

THIS ROMEO PACKS HEAT

Romeo and Juliet haven't joined the N.R.A. But would Shakespeare, who turns 432 this week, approve of what Strictly Ballroom director Baz Luhrmann has done with his play? "I wouldn't have been interested if we'd done it in the original language," says LEONARDO DICAPRIO, who plays Romeo. "It's a much more wild, interesting version. It loses a big part of it, but it gains a lot." His Romeo lives in a fantasy world in Latin America, with cars and lots of guns. "Everything was extreme, but not overdone," says CLAIRE DANES (Juliet). "My eyes were constantly being fed." Eyes were fine, but the cast and crew in Mexico were constantly ill. "It was the king of Montezuma's revenge," says DiCaprio. Not the Bard's?

JUST DON'T CALL IT JESUS

MADONNA is about to undergo one of the most effective cures for chronic perfectionism and self-obsession: motherhood. Bravely ignoring the fact that neither Gucci nor Jean-Paul Gaultier does maternity wear, Ms. Ciccone, 37, has decided the time is right to have a material babe. The proud Pa-donna-to-be is CARLOS LEON, Madonna's 29-year-old personal trainer and boyfriend of 19 months. To the chagrin of scoopmeisters who follow her every move, Madonna had her publicist, Liz Rosenberg, call gossip columnist Liz Smith from Budapest, where Madonna is shooting Evita, with the news (Pulitzer committee, please take note). "She's very, very happy," says Rosenberg. "She's having a great pregnancy--no morning sickness." Madonna has wanted a child for some time, and has no professional commitments after Evita wraps, but the parenting arrangements with Leon haven't been fully ironed out. "I assume and hope they'll live happily ever after," says Rosenberg. The baby is due in November. Its first encounter with a paparazzo's flashbulb is due about five minutes later.