TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS

By GARRY TRUDEAU

DEAR READERS:

It's April again, which means Jan and I have just returned to Mill Valley from another buying trek through the Annapurna, an ordeal that has left us spent but elated. As always, you, our valued catalog customers, were never far from our thoughts--especially the evening we lingered over jasmine tea with a Mahayana Buddhist monk at the Four Winds Monastery, perched precariously above a roaring tributary of the Ganges. As we sipped to the rhythmic whirl of prayer wheels, I in my all-cotton, breathable Sahib Gear[TM] Punting Pants, Jan in her wind-resistant Amelia Earhart Aviator's Bra, we couldn't help noticing the elegant saffron robe that enveloped our host. The rustic fabric, simple and unfussy, draped beautifully--perfect, as Jan remarked to his holiness, for curtains.

Well, one thing led to another, and before you knew it, we'd bought the monastery and put the monks to work weaving our new Katmandu Cottage Curtains (see page 32; also available in cranberry and moss). We're proud to have brought a traditionally indolent people into the new economy, giving them dignity and a chance to contribute to their country's nascent gnp. And because we've taught the monks to scrupulously detoxify their dyes before dumping them upstream from the tiny, unspoiled Nepalese villages (whose honey-skinned children are so to die for that Jan and I actually adopted one), your purchase of our hand-stitched window dressing will help save the planet for future generations.

You can find this and other new offerings in our Simpler Times Furnishings Collection, which still features best sellers like our woven bamboo Margaret Mead Litter Chairs; our World War I Turkish Cavalry Helmets (wonderful as planters); and our Lord Kitchener Lawn Furniture, made entirely of distressed, vintage cricket paddles. A new favorite of Jan's dad, who's very particular when it comes to comfort, is our hand-rubbed rhino-skin Royal Bengalese Club Chair. Sink into this overstuffed beauty, and try not to imagine yourself in the highest echelons of the Raj, ordering a vodka tonic or dispatching 1,000 Gurkhas to certain death in the Khyber Pass.

The excitement over our new home furnishings spills over into the latest additions to Sahib Gear-a, our traditional themewear collection for anyone born too late to experience colonial rule, steamer travel, first-edition Fitzgerald, freshly ironed linen and servants who were like members of the family. Since you can't go back to Paris in the '20s or Havana in the '40s or even Brooklyn in the '50s, we bring it to you, with all the quality jodhpurs, dusters, spats, boaters, corsets, spurs, poodle skirts, pince-nez and butcher's smocks you've come to expect from us--but at a fraction of the price you might pay at an ordinary costume shop.

Why do we go to so much trouble? Because here at J. Entitlements we believe that you, our valued customers, deserve a life--even if it's not your own. Toward that goal, we now offer Enhanced Living", a total life-style ensemble inspired by the visual and sartorial motifs of leading bygone eras. Simply choose a historical period or figure, and one of our life-style engineers will refurbish your entire house and wardrobe with the corresponding furniture, objets, garments, fragrances and bedding. We'll even panel your library with our famous Books-by-the-Yard, with customized, hand-tooled leather spines of the classic works with which you wish to be identified. (Call our 800 number for available titles.)

Finally, to complete your life-style package, we still offer our Papa Hemingway Trophy Wife to preferred gentlemen customers. Exclusive to us, each of our hand-picked replacement spouses has been raised under Jan's watchful eye at our own private boarding school, situated in the rolling countryside of lovely Sonoma Valley. Why take a chance on that stunning Lufthansa flight attendant who may or may not have a prescription-drug problem? Choose from over 10 popular archetypes, from Coquettish to Contemporary Bold. (Because of the normal cycles of anorexia, Trophy Wives may vary slightly in size and appearance, so please allow us to select one for you.)

Sometimes when Jan and I are raft-drifting down the languid Orinoco, where the only sound is the mesh lining in Jan's flight vest wicking moisture away from her skin, we'll gaze up into the indigo Venezuelan night and thank the stars for our large, loyal customer base. Without you, there wouldn't be a J. Entitlements--and we'd be just two more lawyers without lives!

Well, that's all for now. See you in the Casbah or Key West or the Cote d'Azur!

BEST REGARDS,

Roger and Jan