TIME FOR WINDSORLAND

By JOHN ROTHCHILD

BEFORE THE BRITISH MONARCHY IS CANCELED, as a chorus of antagonists is calling for, there is one way to strengthen the royal family and make it cost effective. Let Disney acquire it. This would continue the string of privatizations--including British Gas, British Telecom and British Airways--that were successfully engineered in the Thatcher era.

Each of these enterprises has cut the nonsense and benefited from a dose of financial discipline, while the royals have continued to traffic in nonsense and avoid all forms of discipline, especially marital. Their principal activities seem to be making hairdresser appointments, divorcing and shooting grouse. The future CEO of the bunch, Prince Charles, is Goofy already, plus he's got Mickey's ears.

Left in control of the monarchy business, there's no telling what further mess Prince Charles would get into, but not if he had to answer to a higher authority, Michael Eisner. Once Disneyfied, all the royal characters would be subject to the same rules as the regular Disney characters, who don't make a tabloid spectacle of their eating disorders and ski trips. Certain Disney characters speak only in the movies, where they follow the script; when they are sent out in public at the theme parks, they are as mute as Harpo Marx. A mute button would be the best thing to happen to the monarchy since Oliver Cromwell.

Though they don't lack for cash to pay bills, the royals continue to dun the nation for upkeep on some of their drawing rooms and castles, not to mention the royal train and yacht. All told, the House of Windsor was a $69 million drain on the British treasury last year. Priced at the equivalent of a major theme park, the Disney-Windsor deal could be worth several billion to the government, which also would get a royalty on the royal revenues. The Windsors would be doing something to earn their keep, besides opening Parliament and holding egg rolls on the lawn.

Imagine what Disney could do with this material. There could be a parade like the one down Main Street, Disneyland, with at least one real prince and one real princess on hand. There could be virtual beheadings in the computerized Tower of London. There could be Queen-for-a-Day Day at Buckingham Palace.

Hollywood has been cashing in on mad King George and Richard III; now roomfuls of diaries and papers dating back to Queen Victoria could become scripts, beginning with Edward VIII: The Inside Story. In merchandising, the royals have not done nearly as well as The Lion King. That would change too.

While Britain has lost its edge in manufacturing and rock music, it is still the world leader in ceremonies and formal occasions. Disney has the know-how to export this skill. Royal trumpeters, flag wavers, standard-bearers, etc., could be leased to governments and companies for annual meetings and other events. The royal flatware and dinnerware could be rented out for notable weddings. Speaking of nuptials, it's a shame Britain missed the pay-per-view potential of Charles and Di's. It's not too late to put together a TV deal for the divorce proceedings, but Disney won't want to get into that.