ALAS, NO "THANK YOU, JESUS"

By ADAM COHEN/ABOARD THE PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE PRIZE PATROL VAN

The three-man, one-woman Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol moves with military precision. They deplane at the State College, Pennsylvania, airport in crisp blue Prize Patrol blazers, armed with the tools of their trade: Publishers Clearing House balloons, a giant Prize Patrol banner, the famous oversize check, and a dossier on today's winner--one Nellye J. Hall of Clearfield, Pennsylvania. Striding through the parking lot, the team barely acknowledges the gawks and shouts of civilians--"Hey, Prize Patrol, you got a check for me?"--as it boards a rented van and begins the one-hour drive into rural central Pennsylvania. The game is afoot.

Anticipation buoys these sweepstakes-hardened pros as they embark on yet another chapter in their eternal quest for the perfect "face at the door," one that can be videotaped for use in the company's ubiquitous television commercials. Raw emotion sells, and Prize Patrol members consider themselves connoisseurs of screams and tears. The all-time champion is Emma Taylor of Gary, Indiana, whose joyful if repetitive response to being declared a winner earned her the nickname "the thank-you-Jesus lady."

The Patrol has high hopes for today's visit. They won't be dispensing the year's largest award--1995's grand prizewinner will snag $10 million--but today's is surely the most picturesque: a bright red Jaguar convertible. The Prize Patrol suspects that Hall will be the kind of small-town elderly woman who will look good on tape as she weeps for joy in a snazzy bucket seat (she will, of course, have the option of choosing a $65,000 check instead). No one knows her age, but Prize Patrol leader David Sayer notes hopefully that "Nellye" is not a young person's name. Patrol member Carroll Rotchford admits that a Publishers Clearing House staff member called Hall's phone number without identifying herself, and the woman who answered did indeed have "an older sound."

With the aid of a CD-ROM-generated street map of Clearfield, Sayer guides the van to Hall's house. It's a modest but tidy red brick home with an American-flag wreath on the door. Bingo! "That looks like a Nellye Hall house," Sayer says with approval. The team doubles back into town to meet up with the car dealer who has brought the Jag in from Harrisburg. And then: Showtime. But alas, Prize Patrol history is not to be made. Hall turns out to be a great-grandmother of preternatural calm. Confronted by cameras, hysterical Patrol members, the huge check and the Jaguar, she demurs sweetly: "I don't believe this--I never won anything in my life." No amount of insistent rephrasings of the question "How do you feel?" leads her to either tears or ecstasy. As Sayer will later acknowledge, "If you don't get it in the first couple of moments, it's over."

The Prize Patrol's trip back to their New York base is the bittersweet journey of the weekend hunter who has bagged no game. Talk turns to past successes--crying seniors, joyful children captured on film--and an upcoming 30-winners-in-30-days promotion that brims with potential. But for now, Emma Taylor rules.