HOW TO APOLOGIZE LIKE THE PROS

By MICHAEL QUINN

Uh-oh! You've just insulted someone's ethnicity/religion/sexual orientation and/or hinted the President might be in physical danger if he visits your state. Now what? A simple "Whoops!" won't cut it anymore, not when modern masters have elevated the post-gaffe backpedal into a sophisticated rhetorical art. Confused? Intimidated? Just follow these rules:

1. Suggest the problem lies not in what you said but in how others reacted to it. Warning: This tactic can sometimes compound the original faux pas (see below).

"If I offended anyone, I'm sorry." --U.S. Senator Al D'Amato's first apology for mocking Simpson judge Lance Ito with a pseudo-Japanese accent

2. Allude freely to your own ethnicity. This tells the insulted, "I feel your pain."

"As an Italian American, I have a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic stereotypes."

--D'Amato, in his second, more comprehensive apology following complaints about the perfunctory nature of his first apology (see above)

"Myself and Mr. Cochran, both of us, through our careers have built a solid reputation representing minority groups, of which we are both a part."

--O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro, apologizing for distributing fortune cookies from a fictitious "Hang Fung" restaurant to celebrate defense victories over embattled Asian-American criminologist Dennis Fung

3. Explain that your cruel remarks were actually all in good fun.

"Como ustedes saben, soy una persona sat'rica."(As you know, I am a satirist.)

--Venom jockey Howard Stern apologizing for ridiculing Hispanic music in general and slain Tejano music diva Selena in particular

"I . made a remark that was meant to be facetious and was taken by those who received it as being facetious."

--Shapiro

4. Assure the people you have just insulted that actually, you think they're just swell.

"I express my highest regard for the followers of Buddhism."

--Pope John Paul II after referring to Buddhism in a recent book as "in large measure an atheistic system"

"I want to...apologize...to all my friends in the Asian-American community."

--Shapiro

5. Blame it on some mysterious physical or mental tic.

"This was nothing more than the unintentional mispronunciation of another person's name that sounded like something it was not."

--U.S. Representative Dick Armey apologizing for referring to fellow Representative Barney Frank as "Barney Fag"

"Those who know me know the words that inadvertently came out of my mouth do not represent my 35-year academic career or what I truly meant."

--Rutgers University president Francis Lawrence apologizing for citing African Americans as "a disadvantaged population that doesn't have that genetic hereditary background to have a higher average"

6. Finally, blame it on the media.

"The media and others are reporting this as if it were intentional, and it's not."

--Armey

"In an informal telephone interview with a local reporter, I made an offhand remark...Of course, I did not expect to be baken literally."

--U.S. Senator Jesse Hilms on his suggestion Bill Clinton would need a bodyguard if visiting North Carolina military bases BY MICHAEL QUINN