Please, Mr. Postman!

By CHRISTOPHER JOHN FARLEY

. Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds -- but if they are late, they'll hide or trash your mail and no one will be the wiser." That seems to be the new motto for certain employees of the U.S. Postal Service. In a surprise audit disclosed last week, postal inspectors in Washington found that some local managers temporarily stashed unprocessed mail in parked trailers so that the letters and packages wouldn't be immediately noticed as delayed. Millions of pieces of undelivered mail were found, including 2.3 million bulk- business letters, some of which had been delayed nine days, and 800,000 first-class letters, which had been held for three days.

The new evidence of postal mischief follows a major scandal uncovered last spring in Chicago, which had been plagued by sloppy service and late deliveries. Confirming the public's worst suspicions, police found a foot-high pile of month-old mail under a porch, and fire fighters came upon 2,300 lbs. of old mail in a letter carrier's home.

On Friday, postal workers in the nation's capital were ordered to work overtime on the weekend to clear the backlog of mail. Just two years ago, Postmaster General Marvin Runyon promised to turn the district's postal service into a "showpiece" of modern technology and efficiency. Yet, in a recent survey by the accounting firm Price Waterhouse, Washington ranked dead last among urban areas for on-time mail delivery. Several members of Congress -- angry because some of the delayed letters in Washington could be from constituents trying to contact them -- charge that the mail holdups could be illegal and plan to investigate the postal system. The House subcommittee on postal operations has summoned Runyon to testify at a hearing about the problems this week. The General Accounting Office plans an investigation of service snafus. "Our Postal Service is a disaster," says Missouri Democrat William Clay, chairman of the House Post Office and Civil Service Committee. "And it is as disheartening nationwide as it is in Washington."

District of Columbia delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton and two other lawmakers plan to carry out their own, unscientific study. Each will mail about 20 test letters to various destinations to see how long it takes for them to be delivered. Several lawmakers want a more radical approach: ousting Runyon. Maryland Representative Albert Wynn alleges that under Runyon, skilled postal workers have been dismissed to save money and African-American employees have been fired at a disproportionate rate. Says Wynn: "We can no longer allow Runyon to continue to destroy the second largest agency in the Federal Government."

Postal workers blame their erratic delivery record on everything from bad weather to traffic problems. Postal Service spokesman Frank Brennan claims that most of America enjoys reliable service with "pockets of problems" in traffic-congested metropolitan areas. But excuses aren't likely to carry much weight. In an era of instant communication, of E-mail and faxes, consumers have no patience for lost letters.

With reporting by Michelle Crouch/Washington and Leslie Whitaker/Chicago