I'm Working Late Tonight, Dear

By Martha Duffy

Americans love lists -- the best, the biggest, the hottest, the richest, the worst. We look at a Mars bar with new respect knowing that the Mars family is No. 3 in the billionaire rankings. Where would we be if someone did not locate us on a scale of the 250 most desirable or pestilential cities? The symptoms quiz -- Are you overdue for a heart attack? Are you an ordinary boozehound or a helpless alcoholic? -- is a variant of listomania. And what should attract more attention than a list of the symptoms displayed by an unfaithful spouse?

That's the formula WCBS in New York City used last week to hype its ratings in the November sweeps, local-news category, when it scheduled a three-part series on infidelity. What with baleful budget problems, an enigmatic mayor and the onset of holiday anxieties, it might be argued that New Yorkers didn't need something else to worry about. But the infidelity stakes seemed almost comic relief, a list to be swapped and talked about by the regulars in the fitness centers or the bars.

The news show managed to make a sad private mystery into something of a game. As a fat cherub wiggled his wings in a corner of the screen, the telltale questions flew. Does he or she come home smelling of perfume or alcohol? Want too much or too little sex? -- whatever that means. Spend more time than usual at work? Finally, have you recently been found to have an STD (sexually transmitted disease)?

None of the quiz questions amounted to a revelation, and most had been collated by pop psychologists before. Does your spouse or significant other talk confidently about a subject on which he or she previously showed ignorance, or even hostility? Is Sally Jesse Raphael being quoted around the house a lot? Do you find yourself involved in foot races to answer the telephone?

WCBS correspondent Roseanne Colletti, who narrated the segments, explains that the station decided to air the subject largely because of the publication of a new set of Kinsey Institute findings. Those had revealed nothing in particular in a very specific way: 37% of married men and 29% of married women have had at least one affair. Colletti also talked to some bewildered spouses and to counselor Magda Polenz, who gave a stunning vocal impression of Dr. Ruth Westheimer while dispensing hardhearted wisdom ("Some people just can't help themselves").

The series, with its earnest warnings against sexually transmitted infection, may have helped some troubled members in its audience. But most viewers, including the 37- and 29-percenters, probably appreciated the programs more for their inadvertent entertainment value. One segment mostly followed a private detective stalking an erring wife. There was not much to see because most of the images had been digitized to protect the sinful. But as a fantasy, it wasn't bad for a sleepless night or a stalled train ride. Just what kind of challenge would your unfaithful self provide for a gumshoe? And what about your lover?